Bleh

Title pretty much says it all.

Past the Event Horizon

Well tonight, as my shift was ending, I left a letter to my General Manager explaining my transition, the date my Full Time begins, and what it entails for the restaurant. He does not work until Wednesday, but still the note is there in an envelope addressed to him. I hope he deals with it well, though I suspect he will for he is a reasonable professional human being. You never know what marine training can do to a person though, so I am prepared for the worst, mentally at least.

So now for the wait, I am past the point of no return on my full time, the Event Horizon if you will. I'm glad I did it too, and glad I did not chicken out, for this was a necessary step. If I had not done this now I would have not gotten around to it for weeks and that would have only complicated matters. I hope it is received well, but I will prepare myself for job searching if it does not, and possibly even court and the like. I do hope it does not come to that, for I prefer to have some faith in humanity, and our society has made great bounds over the last twenty-four years I have been alive.

Wish me the best.

Blessed Be

Family, the Ones That Know You

Well, an odd happenstance, two of my greatest friends, people I like to call brother and sister, are going to be moving here with Chris and I soon. Come mid August is when it is going to happen, and I am very happy for it, because this is something I've wanted for a while. They have had tough lives, unaccepting parents, hard financial crisises, and to top it all off the house they had been living in that at the time was a godsend turned out to only drive them nuts. They miss their home of Portland, but after some discussion and checking average temperatures here, they decided to come here for now instead.

Its a lot cheaper to get here for them, they will have the support of friends here who love them and want to see them have a good life, they will have running water, a comfortable apartment, and a place to get their lives going again. I'm happy I will be able to do this for them, because those two have done so much for me in the past, emotionally and otherwise, that I feel this is the absolute least I could do. I care about them both because they are like family to me, and this family knows me for who I am and accepts me, and that right there is one of the most wonderful things in the world.

I hated to see them in the situation they were in, it hurt my heart every day I heard one more horrible thing. I thought "They don't deserve this crap, they are wonderful, loving, caring people and they just don't deserve this." So thus, given the opportunity, I want to make a difference in that, give them a safe and secure home here with me, show them some of the kindness they have given me.

So the fact that they are going to be here where I know my situation is fairly good, where I know they can have the support and presence of people they care about, this makes me very happy. To be able to give such good friends a safe and comfortable home will make me a lot more comfortable with their situation. If they eventually make it back home to Portland I am fine with that, I would rather be a safe stepping stone where they can at least get a good start going home, rather than them going straight there where they will have little support and will only barely make it there. I want them to make it home, if they do go back to Portland eventually, with jobs already, a safe home to live in, and with enough money for the trip.

I don't want to see them tossed into a worse situation than they had already been in, I am not going to allow it, not them. They deserve to be comfortable, happy, healthy, and safe, not in a home that doesn't even have the basic amenities.

Blessed Be

Thoughts, and Wishes to Sleep

Well here I am trying to get tired for bed, thinking like I always do of transition, and my body hatred. Everyone tells me I'm beautiful....well those who understand at least....and I can never see it, all I see is the thing hanging between my legs, and the facial hair on my face. Its going away slowly, and one day I will have surgery to fix the down below, but still I depress over it, because here I am stuck.

So here I am on my computer when I should be in bed, not tired in the least mainly because I slept too much. What can you do I guess, I mean I know it is no one's fault that I was born this way, but it sucks major ass. I want to be whole, complete, feel like my body isn't just some disgusting thing I am forced to live in. My brain is like a high class woman forced to live in a low class slum and she isn't liking it one iota, in fact she is doing everything she can to get into the penthouses she wants so bad, but nothing seems to work.

-sigh-

Blessed Be

Fourth of July and Thoughts

Well here we are in another fourth of July, another Independence day in the USA, and a lot is going through my mind.

On Independence day, well I know I have said many things about the government before, and I hate the war, but this country, despite its flaws, is truly great. It is a place that allows me the freedom to transition, move my life forward on a course that I enjoy. The beautiful part is that this country will continue to live on and allow the little people to live their lives well. We have the freedom to think what we wish, and say what we wish without fear of retribution, and that is something not all countries give their citizens.

So happy birthday America, and thank you for letting this sometimes thankless woman have her freedom.

On to other things though, thoughts that have seem to go through my head all day, specifically about my father. With full time getting closer and closer, I know I am going to have to talk to my parents about it soon. Of course I worry, but I know it won't stop me from going full time, its just I do care about my father and I do want to have my family in my life after I become myself. It will be a difficult time in my life, I know, but at least I have all my wonderful friends and significant other who will be able to help me through it, regardless of the results.

But there is a little peak into my mind, hope it didn't break yours.

Blessed Be