Perching on the Emerald Rose

Hand Problems Again

2011-05-11T17:40:00.000-05:00

I fucking hate my hands sometimes, they are so damned frustrating. I was practicing my violin today, yknow just standard stuff, and I cannot do anything, my hands won't cooperate. They ache, and they just aren't doing what I want them to do, and the true problem is that this is not an uncommon occurrence. My hands just will be sore for no damned reason, swelling up and not doing what I wan't and it frustrates the hell out of me and depresses me.

I'm a fucking musician, and my hands fail me, I mean if I believed in any deities or supernatural shit I would think I am the butt of some cosmic joke. People wonder why I am an Atheist, and the primary reason is lack of evidence, but here is just another one that bugs me. If any such "loving deity" existed I would not have this problem with my hands. It is a capricious being that creates someone to love music and playing an instrument with all their heart, it is their true passion, and then make it so their hands betray them.

And any of you Christians give me that "gods plan" bullshit, FUCK THE HELL OFF. Any god that would fuck with the hands of someone who wants nothing more than to play music is FUCKING EVIL. They are not all good, not all loving, they are a capricious fucking bully. Such a god has no fucking place being worshiped, such a god should be revolted, and spit upon.

Sorry, things like this frustrate me, and my hands just keep having these problems, and of course the RA test came back negative. I am going to keep talking to doctors about it, maybe find something that works that will keep my hands from destroying and taking away the one true beautiful thing I can add to this dismal world. My hands are the portal to everything that makes me me, and they have to fail me and betray me all the time, I could get so much farther if it weren't for this. I could spend hours practicing instead of only being able to put in an hour, I could become an amazing and wonderful violinist, bringing true beauty to this world. But no, my hands have to fuck up on me and say "fuck you Rachel, you can't go after your dreams."

Fucking fuck.

New Blog

2011-04-30T23:34:00.000-05:00

Just put myself a new blog together just for posting about my gaming, on Warhammer and other mini-wargames. So I hope to get lots of info and pictures up on there about my armies and lists and all the like when I get started like that. Just thought I would mention it here for anyone who wants to follow info about my warhammer stuff.

Projects, Painting and Patience

2011-04-24T19:34:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know, horrible alliteration, but hey I'm bored and thought it would be fun to have a little alliteration for my post. But, now on to the fun.

Mostly just finishing school stuff up, not having to work is crazy and nice at the same time. Mostly just finishing up a few projects, some extra credit, and a few assignments, and they are all coming along nicely. In fact after Wednesday I will only have two finals and one project to do and I am done for the semester. The final project is more of an experiment and it is coming along well enough. I'll be done taking data down for that on wednesday, then its do research, use the data, and write the paper to accompany it.

So that covers the Projects.

Painting is coming along slow for my tyranid army, just been having trouble motivating myself with it, painting alone can get a little boring. When I have people to talk to and listen to though, it goes along well and I enjoy doing it. As it is two of my warriors have their skin painted and are ready for drybrushing of the various skin colours that I know I have mentioned before. Just need to paint the skin up on the one, and then do the skin sections of the weapon arms, after that time for drybrushing.

So that covers the Painting.

Ah the hardest one, patience, and of course im referring to my wait on my move, which i wish would just come faster. Bleh, its just kinda stressful, being here wishing I was there with them, worrying about them as they have their own issues to deal with. Bleh, this move just needs to come already, would make things a whole lot easier.

Those are my thoughts, thought I would unload them.

I hate wasps

2011-04-13T20:34:00.000-05:00

Enough said

Well.........FUCK

2011-04-12T14:23:00.000-05:00

So yesterday I got a call from my mom not ten minutes after chatting with her and having a bunch of fun, that my grandmother had died. So that had left me in a very melancholy mood most of yesterday, but when I was able to sit down and think about it, I thought that it was a good thing. Its sad that she is gone, and I love my grandma and I miss her very much but things have been very hard for her.

Ten years ago my grandpa, her husband, had died of a heart attack in his sleep, and she had been going downhill ever since. She had always had medical problems, diabetes and lactose-intolerance being two of the few medical issues she had, and she just got worse. She started going senile after he died, not remembering who she was, or who her children or grandchildren were. And when she fell a few months ago and broke a bone, she just hadn't been healing well and was in pain and bedridden.

So yes, I am very sad my grandma is gone, and I am going to miss her a whole lot, but at least she isn't in pain anymore. She was having a very hard life, being without her husband of fifty years for ten years, she outlasted the average, I have heard most people don't outlive their spouses by five years at that age. So in the end I am happy she is finally no longer in pain, not having to live every day without remembering hardly anything of her long and wonderful life. I am happy for the years and the time I have had with her, and I love my grandma very much, so I am happy her pain is finally over.

Kind of difficult to be consoling to my parents though, because they believe in a deity, and I do not, they believe in an afterlife and I do not. So my parents are saying "she is in a better place" and "she is with grandpa now", and all I can do is just mumble in mock agreement. I am not going to say anything, I don't want to do that to my parents, but its just hard to talk about it with them with such a fundamental difference in belief. They know I am an Atheist, but when you are in grief these are the things you go through, you want to think they are in a better place, and I am happy that that makes my parents more comfortable.

Gotta wait a bit longer.

2011-04-10T01:55:00.000-05:00

Well it seems my parents have to push the move date up a few weeks, which really sucks because I am just itching to be out there in Washington. I want to be with my partners so bad, and its not that I don't appreciate talking to them all the time on Skype and Yahoo all the time. It is just I want that physical contact so bad, and it isn't even about the sex, just some cuddling and physical affection is what I am desiring.

Doesn't help that the more talkative of my partners, her computer just fried so I will probably not get to talk to her much until it is fixed which really sucks. I will just keep talking to them as I can and try to keep a positive attitude until I move. The move will be a few weeks later than I had wanted due to issues on my parent's end, which had me depressed for a little bit, but what can you do. I just want the move to come already so I can be with them, thats my main desire right now.

Will be done at this Olive Garden next Sunday, which will give me plenty of time to catch up on school readings, projects and studying. I will also try to set myself on a better practice schedule for violin and get some painting done on my tyranid swarm, mwahahahahhahaa.

Just trying to stay positive, and get ready for the move.

New Lolita Dress

2011-03-25T00:39:00.000-05:00

So my petticoat came in for my lolita dress and I finally took pictures of it, and I feel like such a pretty princess right now. Seriously, I feel all super pretty and I love this dress so much, so amazing. I don't ever wanna take this dress off.

So YAY...

Just Bloggin

2011-03-19T01:47:00.001-05:00

Just kinda blogging and writing some stuff down because I can, and because I am bored out of my mind.

Warhammer army is coming along wonderfully, I love how it is turning out, and getting a lot of praise from my 40k mentors Cami and Jenn. Both of your encouragement is really helping a lot and I love how everything is turning out. Right now I need to paint the scything talons to look like they are crystals, and once that is done all I have left is carapace touch-up and that brood will be finished. I will link below this paragraph the link to my album of pictures of the work in progress of all this. So take a look and tell me what you think.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=25867&id=100001728162489&l=266d00cbac

As for other things, mostly I am just getting ready for my move to Washington, which is coming closer and closer, for which I am super excited. I'll get to be with my partners, which will be just absolutely wonderful, and tons of gaming, coastal state so I can visit beaches in summer. There will be skiing in winter and in general it will be a whole lot of fun. I am going to miss being around all my friends here in Iowa, but this will be a good move for my life and I am looking forward to it. Thankfully all my close friends are all internet dorks like me and I can still keep in touch like I have with all my High School friends and the like. So I am not really leaving them behind, merely relocating, but my feelings for my friends and the caring I have for them will not change.

-hugs for all her friends-

So hopefully my GM works tomorrow and I will give him the phone number and address of the Olive Garden I will be transferring to, so he can get in touch. Hopefully I will have everything setup by the time move day comes, and I hope everything on my parent's end works out too so they can get the hell out of Tennessee. I will set my last day at this Olive Garden for the second Sunday in April, which will allow me to focus on my music, and my school, so that I can end this semester on a high note, and fix all the damage I did to my GPA last semester.

Also I will be selling a lot of my furnature, my desks specifically will be the ones sold so that I take up as little room in the moving truck as humanly possible. I might media mail my books and the like over to my partners so those will be a few less boxes to take along with me in the moving truck. We'll see how that goes, but looking on the USPS main website it seems that they are pretty cheap, with a maximum price of $30 for a 70 pound max package. I can afford to send my books like that, so I think I will just for the sake of saving a few hundred on a smaller truck. I will probably try to take some boxes home from work for carrying of books tomorrow, just so that I have stuff to put all my books in, and then I will just tear up my falling apart book cases. I will keep the Pathfinder books unpacked until move day because Steven, James, and I are using them to play lately, so no use packing them. It's only four books, and I can afford to pack those late and just take them with me, I mean its just four books.

So life is overall good, just a lot to do in the up and coming months. Wish me luck oh few readers of mine, love you all.

Weddings and Shoulders

2011-03-12T14:51:00.002-06:00

So tomorrow I go to Kota and dev's wedding, and I just cannot wait to see this, because its been a long time coming. I am really happy for them, they should have been married years ago, and I am happy they are finally in a place where they can. It may be a small ceremony, but thats pretty meaningful to me, going to be tons of friends around, people we all care about. They deserve this, so I am pretty fraking excited.

On the other hand had to miss work today because I did something to my shoulder and I have no idea what. All I know is I was fine before work yesterday, but during the shift something happened, I have no idea what, and now my shoulder is killing me. Went to take off my undershirt at the end of the night, and when I did my shoulder just exploded in pain, ugh. It only got worse by the next day, ie today, and I had to call in or it would have been bad. I mean I was woken up two hours early to my shoulder exploding again, I cannot lift anything. So whats on the agenda for today, watching stuff, relaxing, and giving my shoulder a break to heal so it doesn't get worse.

I have been missing a ton of work days this year, and I am not happy about it. I mean I don't like my job, but when I miss a shift it really irks me. I have always prided myself on being to work no matter what, only calling out when I absolutely have to. Sadly this year that has been the case, first it was sickness, then the car, now my shoulder. This is not a good year for my body, it does not like me, lol.

Car Troubles

2011-02-20T15:06:00.002-06:00

Well my drive to work was fun, hit an ice patch on the way to work, spun out and hit the center rail of the road. Mostly have aesthetic damage on my car, but my lights are borked and so is my bumper cover. Kinda shook me up though, but I went into super control mode, and guided my spin as best I could, I think I did a pretty good job. But yeah, didn't get to work thanks to this though, couldn't even get there.

This week has really been a whole bunch of crap, I miss tons of shifts thanks to being sick, and now this happens on the day I can ACTUALLY work. Fucking bullshit week.

Sick Sucks

2011-02-17T15:54:00.002-06:00

So I have one of the nastiest combinations of yuck going on in my body these past two days. I am feverish, with head sweats regularly, nauseous whenever I eat or drink anything (water is the least bothersome though), my nose will fill up to the point of the inability to breathe, and then the next minute it decides to empty out and be so dry my nose bleeds. This is the epitome of suck, my stomach is bothering me and I cannot breathe properly without being in some sort of pain. What the hell did I catch, don't know what it is, but damned if it doesn't suck balls.

Bleh, I feel like I'm going to hurl, and a headache is also forming every little bit.

Bleh.

Wishing it were May

2011-02-17T04:45:00.003-06:00

Yknow, they say time flies when your having fun, and while I am having fun I wish it would fly faster, because I want it to be may. May is when I am moving to Washington, and I am really looking forward to it to be honest, I really want it to happen. In general its going to be a good move for my life, and I am always one to embrace change for the better.

Idk, Iowa is just so boring, and while I have friends here, and I love them all, I need to do this for me. I hate to leave them all behind, I have met some great people, and made some great progress in my life. The problem is I'm getting bored out of my mind and Video Gaming isn't interesting me as much anymore. My focus seems to be on tabletop gaming for the most part, I really wanna play more DND, Magic, and Warhammer, and I just cannot do those here on a regular basis.

So I am looking forward to being with my two friends I am moving in with out there, it will be nice to have the company and a DND group in house that can play more often than just once in a while. In general it will be nice to have them around, because while I have "roommates" here, the odd setup does some weird things for my emotional state. I am a complex girl, what can I say.

So for the next month, I will be working on getting my application into the new college, and find out what I am going to need to do to get that all situated. I will have to send them a whole new transcript from this college, and work on the transfer credits. Thankfully this semester I will be done with all of my Liberal Arts Core of my degree, and that pretty much transfers universally. It should not be too hard, but it is still something on my list of crap to do. Also eventually I need to contact the Olive Garden in Spokane, and setup my transfer as soon as I possibly can. That will take a load off my shoulders when I do that, because once the school and work stuff are set, its just a matter of moving. Hopefully I will get it all done soon so that when may does come, I will be ready and rearing to go, just load up the truck and go.

Wish me luck everyone.

Betrayal

2011-02-10T02:55:00.003-06:00

Gotta love when someone you thought loved you completely betrays you and won't even give you the common decency to tell you why. So a friend of mine, I have found out, has been ignoring my texts, because the last two times we talked I was on one of my superhorny moments and it made her uncomfortable. I understand that, I can get pretty bad some days, and I feel bad about that, but at least fucking tell me. I mean when this is someone that you have tried to show love and affection for for years, and then just because of a few times ignores you. This is like the biggest form of betrayal for me, I mean if she had told me it was making her uncomfortable, and I ignored that then I totally get that. But no, she doesn't even bother to tell me this, and just leaves me wondering if she even gives a shit about me anymore.

Things like this really hurt, because I try my best to dedicate myself to my friends, show them affection, love, and understanding. Sure I fuck up now and again, and I try to make up for it, I mean we aren't fucking perfect, but I expect those close to me to show me at least some general respect enough to tell me when I've done something wrong. I mean this really hurt, because this basically told me "I don't respect you enough, nor do I care enough about you to tell you you did something that bothered me, so I'm going to ignore you because of something you didn't know you did.". It is total fucking bullshit.

I mean you don't do that to someone you love, you don't treat them like that. I mean when I found out about this all I could do was cry, it felt like my heart had been ripped out and stomped on like a useless piece of shit. Most of the times I have texted her I am just reaching out and trying not to feel so alone, but apparently my feelings don't mean anything to her, she is just content to ignore me and make me wonder what the fuck I did wrong. At least now I know what kind of person she is, and why she has not been talking to me.

Fucking Bitch...

Warhammer Modelling Tools

2011-02-08T00:43:00.002-06:00

Well I got my full set of tools and paints and I am ready to go with making my Tyranid army, I also picked up a brood of warriors to go with it today. So yeah, I have a decent start to my Tyranid Army, some good tools to work with, I'll just get a tacklebox to keep all the stuff in nice and safe for when I am not using it. Hopefully I'll find one that fits the bamboo thingie that holds my paint brushes, I should be able to find one pretty easy that fits my needs.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=25336&id=100001728162489&l=e34f5a0c7f

So I should get started with my army soon, this is what I have so far:

1 Carnifex (this will become a Tervigon)

1 Box Hormagaunts

1 Box Termagaunts

3 Tyranid Warriors

I think I have a decent start, and they will be stone carapaced (with crystals growing out of them), and magma skinned tyranid. I am really looking forward to the finished product and I think it will look amazing.

Tell me what you all think

So I wanna try new clothing.

2011-01-31T23:08:00.005-06:00

So yeah, someone on the Susan's Place staff got me hooked on a style of clothing that I really wanna try out and see if I like it. The style is referred to as Goth Lolita, and while its a bit fancy and extravagant, I so want to do it. I will have some examples posted here whilst I'm talking about it.

But yeah, it would really really pretty, and I would love to look that feminine all of the time. Just in general I love the look, it is just so pretty. So when my tax return comes in I am thinking of getting one of pretty dresses on that site, and trying it out. If I like it enough I wanna adopt it as my style and wear those all the time, and things similar.

I would stand out so much, but not because I am trans, but because I am wearing something so "unusual" and I would love every moment of it.

What do you all think?

Here is the first one I wanna get:

http://rakuen.trauma-radio.net/catalog/dresses/k2.html

Been a While

2011-01-30T18:39:00.003-06:00

Its been a long time since I have posted, and I always seem to get on here when I am feeling down, guess its a good place to vent.

Mostly just ranting about things that I am working on with my therapist, how I feel when I feel lonely. Its odd cause today was a really good day, played some magic at the card shop today and yesterday, so it was a lot of fun. In general my day has been pretty good up until about an hour ago, now I'm kinda depressed, with that empty heart feeling.

But I guess before I go into that, I am going to catch up.

In may I am moving to the Spokane area in Washington state, and hopefully my parents will be driving with me on the move for company. Going to be living with my best friend and her fiancée there, and I am looking forward to it. I will have gamers around me, I can get out of the house and have fun, and live my life. Also its closer to the ocean, and there is a better lgbt community out there. Iowa is just stagnating for me, I mean there is just nothing to do in this area, and now that I actually wanna get out of the house and do things.

Thats pretty much it.

As for the empty heart feeling, I just feel alone, I want someone to hold me but no one really around, and I don't wanna bug anyone just cause I'm depressed. Wishing I wasn't single, so I could have someone in my life to hold me when I'm feeling bad. Been talking to my therapist about my loneliness, and the problems it causes me, I either latch on to the first person I can (which often scares them off) or I push people away because I end up feeling sorry for myself. Its really stupid feeling like that, because I know this is keeping me from so many things in life, and maybe even finding said someone for me. Idk, its been a good week since I slipped into a depression like this, but that doesn't make it suck any less.

-sigh- Its not like there aren't people who love me out there, but I really want someone in my life, someone physically there to hold me, and stroke my hair, tell me everything is ok, make me feel like I'm not all alone. I just wanna be held right now....

Depressed, and Annoyed About It

2010-09-30T13:54:00.002-05:00

These feelings of depression are getting really old, because they contradict what I know, and what is logical to me.

This happens every single Thursday, which is my sight singing class day, we do what normally happens in the class, and every time it just depresses me. I am sick of my voice, videos online don't help worth a damn, and I just need to figure it out myself. So basically I hate my voice along with my body, and it is just not a fun combination, but I know its all stupid.

I mean I feel disgusted with myself, and I feel like I do not deserve the friends I have, my bf, all these people in my life that make me so happy. It is all a product of my hatred of my body which has only gotten worse since I went full time. Now that I am living as the woman that I am I get self-conscious about everything, if my genitalia is ruining how my clothes look, and I KNOW I am not passing because I still get sired at work. Most of the not passing is from my voice, because I suck so very much at it, and it makes me wonder why the hell I got the bright idea of being a music major where my voice matters.

-sigh-

I also still have to tell my dad about me living full time as a woman, well my parents in general, but my dad is the one that will likely go off the deep end. So I am by no means looking forward to it, but it really needs to be done. I mean I can still use the health insurance they are paying for because my name change form will make it at least usable, but still who knows what he wants to do after knowing I'm full time as a woman.

Bleh

Weird Dreams

2010-09-15T23:58:00.003-05:00

So the other day I had a very odd, and to be honest very depressing dream, hasn't left me happy. In the dream I was at work, but the weird part was that I was 8-9 months pregnant, and it just felt so nice. Having kids is something I really really want to do, but I can never bear them myself because I happened to be born male. I try not to let it get to me, but sometimes it just really really depresses me, as the case was today when I was thinking about it.

I mean from my boyfriend's point of view its a benefit, he doesn't want kids and me not being able to have them makes that a lot easier. But when you really want to have them some day, and sometimes wish you could carry them yourself, its kinda saddening.

-sigh-

Blessed Be

Yeah, I Know, I've Been Quiet

2010-09-08T15:40:00.002-05:00

I'm a bad girl and you can spank me later for it, actually I might like that -giggle-.

Life has settled into normality for me with the whole full time thing, which is essentially the goal I was going after. I still haven't told my dad, though I really need to and I can't think of a way to talk about it with him. I might try and come up with something this weekend, idk, its really hard to deal with in my head.

But yeah, its nice to be called Rachel all the time, it feels good, though I do still get "sir'ed" at work all the time. Most of those seem to be deliberate and I mostly just ignore them, but I mean seriously, come on. I am dressed in womens clothing, I have jewelry on all of a feminine nature, a feminine haircut, I have makeup on, AND I HAVE BREASTS. People are stupid, they really are.

But yeah, I have really settled in well, work is going fine, no discrimination from my coworkers that I have noticed. I mostly get curiosity from my coworkers and similar responses, all in a positive way. Thankfully they are all starting to settle into it as well, to the point that I am starting to be who I am to them, its becoming normal slowly for my coworkers too. I would have to say that Full time has started with flying colors, which I am very happy about. Mostly I am just settling in, enjoying it, still need to make my voice sound better but its not high on my list of cares. I know who I am, those I care about know who I am, and my work is accepting. The only really awkward thing is Sight Singing for my theory class, which can be a little tough because singing outside your range is not only difficult but difficult to do in tune without sounding bad. idk, I'll work out the voice thing in time I guess.

So yeah, Full Time is going gloriously, life is wonderful, and I am happy.

Just need to tell my father.

Blessed Be

Update on Full Time

2010-08-26T14:30:00.002-05:00

Well its been a full four days living as a woman, and I would have to say its going pretty well. It really feels great to hear my name as Rachel over and over again, it feels right. I get to feel comfortable in what I wear and who I am, hearing the name that is mine instead of what I was born with. It is even going well at work, I hear my proper name, and other than one bitch that seemed to REALLY want to call me "sir". But fuck her, the rest is going awesomely, so I would have to say I am pretty happy with how things are going.

Also went into a women's restroom for the first time the other day, grant you the place was empty and at work, but yeah. When a girl's gotta go a girl's gotta go, and its a lot cleaner in there which is nice to say the least. One of my coworkers was curious which one I had used when I asked her not to seat me while I went to the bathroom, but wasn't bothered by the answer which was a good sign.

So overall I would say that things are going fairly well...

Blessed Be

Shopping Rocked

2010-08-18T12:33:00.001-05:00

Ok, so yesterday and the day before I went shopping for clothes with my friends, and it just farking rocked. I cant believe i spent 1400 dollars on clothing, I bought so much, but OMG most of it was sooooooo cute. I was exhausted by the time we were done each day because it took a while, but still it was just so awesome -dance-.

I think I have a good start to my wardrobe.

Blessed Be

Out at Work.....Kinda

2010-08-11T22:59:00.002-05:00

So the grapevine effect has begun, meaning that I have let it get out at work that I am trans. What this means is that the few people I was able to tell today are pretty much going to let everyone else know via the grapevine effect, ifn ya know what I mean. This is good and bad, for the grapevine effect can often mess with the truth of a matter, but I need it to get out that I'm trans. If all that is understood is that I am getting a sex change than what I needed said is said.

I will be letting it out more and more over the next 2 weeks before I go full time, so we shall see how it goes. So far I have been met only with curiosity, which is a good sign, so I am happy about that.

So far so good.

Work Time Post Meeting

2010-08-11T13:05:00.003-05:00

Well tomorrow I have work, and it'll be the first day since I had my meeting with my manager, so I'm going to have to let my Trans out at work. Looks like I'm coming out at work for real now, having to let all my coworkers know. It will be interesting to say the least, but I will likely get a lot of questions tossed my way, which should be a blast "UGH".

It has to happen though, its necessary, better to get it done now than when I'm full time and a mess happens. So here we go.

On another note I have a new ID which is nice, but they do it oddly here. They give you a temporary ID that you use until they mail you the new one. I guess they did this so that there is less ID fraud, and now they don't have the licence making machines inside the DMV. That went rather well though now that I have that done.

Blessed Be

New ID

2010-08-09T23:47:00.002-05:00

Well tomorrow I go to the dmv to get my new licence, just another step forward in my life, forward in my transition. Soon the last legal vestiges of my old name will be gone, and I can live my life as myself full time. Full time comes in just a few weeks, the 23rd, and it could not come soon enough. Sure things will be a little tough at first, but thats ok, soon everyone at work will know and not long after that I will get to be myself.

I cant wait

Blessed Be

Manager Meeting Results

2010-08-08T17:01:00.002-05:00

Well I had my meeting with my manager after my shift today, and I would have to say it went pretty farking well. The basics of it boiled down to that he would not put up with discrimination against me from anyone, much less a customer. He made it clear that when dealing with discrimination, the management, specifically him at the very least, will be behind me. He won't allow a customer to have a new server if they don't like "having a tranny as a server", if they have a problem he will ask them to leave.

I mean I expected him to be able to deal with this, but the fact that he is this accepting and supportive is nothing short of amazing. I know that my job is safe, at least in the realm of my transition, so I am pretty happy about it.

Blessed Be

Meeting the Boss

2010-08-07T23:46:00.003-05:00

I am meeting tomorrow with my general manager about my going full time at the end of the month, him and I will be discussing it. So far he seems to be pretty accepting, but then again that is just how he is, as long as his restaurant runs he is happy. He will be asking me questions and getting to understand just how my going full time will effect the restaurant. I have a feeling the meeting will go fairly well to be honest, but you never know. Once we have had this meeting the info about my going full time will trickle down the grapevine.

This is the part I'm not looking forward to, though its necessary. I will get a lot of weird and gross looks from coworkers, and I am not sure how my more religious (and I'm talking the type to take into creationist propaganda kind of religious) manager will deal with this. Thankfully I have the protection of the law, but I will be keeping all documents of proof of write ups and anything that affects me in my job.

Wish me luck everyone...

Blessed Be

Bleh

2010-07-28T02:14:00.001-05:00

Title pretty much says it all.

Past the Event Horizon

2010-07-26T02:51:00.003-05:00

Well tonight, as my shift was ending, I left a letter to my General Manager explaining my transition, the date my Full Time begins, and what it entails for the restaurant. He does not work until Wednesday, but still the note is there in an envelope addressed to him. I hope he deals with it well, though I suspect he will for he is a reasonable professional human being. You never know what marine training can do to a person though, so I am prepared for the worst, mentally at least.

So now for the wait, I am past the point of no return on my full time, the Event Horizon if you will. I'm glad I did it too, and glad I did not chicken out, for this was a necessary step. If I had not done this now I would have not gotten around to it for weeks and that would have only complicated matters. I hope it is received well, but I will prepare myself for job searching if it does not, and possibly even court and the like. I do hope it does not come to that, for I prefer to have some faith in humanity, and our society has made great bounds over the last twenty-four years I have been alive.

Wish me the best.

Blessed Be

Family, the Ones That Know You

2010-07-15T13:03:00.002-05:00

Well, an odd happenstance, two of my greatest friends, people I like to call brother and sister, are going to be moving here with Chris and I soon. Come mid August is when it is going to happen, and I am very happy for it, because this is something I've wanted for a while. They have had tough lives, unaccepting parents, hard financial crisises, and to top it all off the house they had been living in that at the time was a godsend turned out to only drive them nuts. They miss their home of Portland, but after some discussion and checking average temperatures here, they decided to come here for now instead.

Its a lot cheaper to get here for them, they will have the support of friends here who love them and want to see them have a good life, they will have running water, a comfortable apartment, and a place to get their lives going again. I'm happy I will be able to do this for them, because those two have done so much for me in the past, emotionally and otherwise, that I feel this is the absolute least I could do. I care about them both because they are like family to me, and this family knows me for who I am and accepts me, and that right there is one of the most wonderful things in the world.

I hated to see them in the situation they were in, it hurt my heart every day I heard one more horrible thing. I thought "They don't deserve this crap, they are wonderful, loving, caring people and they just don't deserve this." So thus, given the opportunity, I want to make a difference in that, give them a safe and secure home here with me, show them some of the kindness they have given me.

So the fact that they are going to be here where I know my situation is fairly good, where I know they can have the support and presence of people they care about, this makes me very happy. To be able to give such good friends a safe and comfortable home will make me a lot more comfortable with their situation. If they eventually make it back home to Portland I am fine with that, I would rather be a safe stepping stone where they can at least get a good start going home, rather than them going straight there where they will have little support and will only barely make it there. I want them to make it home, if they do go back to Portland eventually, with jobs already, a safe home to live in, and with enough money for the trip.

I don't want to see them tossed into a worse situation than they had already been in, I am not going to allow it, not them. They deserve to be comfortable, happy, healthy, and safe, not in a home that doesn't even have the basic amenities.

Blessed Be

Thoughts, and Wishes to Sleep

2010-07-10T01:50:00.002-05:00

Well here I am trying to get tired for bed, thinking like I always do of transition, and my body hatred. Everyone tells me I'm beautiful....well those who understand at least....and I can never see it, all I see is the thing hanging between my legs, and the facial hair on my face. Its going away slowly, and one day I will have surgery to fix the down below, but still I depress over it, because here I am stuck.

So here I am on my computer when I should be in bed, not tired in the least mainly because I slept too much. What can you do I guess, I mean I know it is no one's fault that I was born this way, but it sucks major ass. I want to be whole, complete, feel like my body isn't just some disgusting thing I am forced to live in. My brain is like a high class woman forced to live in a low class slum and she isn't liking it one iota, in fact she is doing everything she can to get into the penthouses she wants so bad, but nothing seems to work.

-sigh-

Blessed Be

Fourth of July and Thoughts

2010-07-04T23:40:00.002-05:00

Well here we are in another fourth of July, another Independence day in the USA, and a lot is going through my mind.

On Independence day, well I know I have said many things about the government before, and I hate the war, but this country, despite its flaws, is truly great. It is a place that allows me the freedom to transition, move my life forward on a course that I enjoy. The beautiful part is that this country will continue to live on and allow the little people to live their lives well. We have the freedom to think what we wish, and say what we wish without fear of retribution, and that is something not all countries give their citizens.

So happy birthday America, and thank you for letting this sometimes thankless woman have her freedom.

On to other things though, thoughts that have seem to go through my head all day, specifically about my father. With full time getting closer and closer, I know I am going to have to talk to my parents about it soon. Of course I worry, but I know it won't stop me from going full time, its just I do care about my father and I do want to have my family in my life after I become myself. It will be a difficult time in my life, I know, but at least I have all my wonderful friends and significant other who will be able to help me through it, regardless of the results.

But there is a little peak into my mind, hope it didn't break yours.

Blessed Be

Laundry and Relaxation

2010-06-23T15:42:00.003-05:00

I will say this much, with the roomies living with me laundry day sucks just that little bit less. We play magic the gathering while we wait on the laundry, and in general just hang out. I get less bored, less lonely, and the time seems to go that much faster. Needless to say that I am enjoying it to the fullest.

If you haven't guessed its laundry day and we just finished lol.

Other than that I am mostly just relaxing and doing nothing really, sitting around bored and not really wanting to do anything constructive. I am likely going to be logging onto WoW tonight just to get some of the midsummer achievement stuff done, because I am not missing out on that, I want my damned Drake.

Still wish I could get over my self image issues and have some damned sex, because gods know I am horny enough. Maybe my sexual side will just take over some day soon and I will jump chris, who knows, but for now it is still stopping me -grumble- surgery cannot come soon enough.

Blessed Be

It is nice to have a DND group again

2010-06-18T03:52:00.002-05:00

Ever since Vinny passed away I have not been able to play much in the way of dungeons and dragons, until recently. Roleplaying and DnD are major staples in my life, games of this nature allow me to play in a fun world with close friends. It was something Vinny, Amber, and I did a lot of when he was alive. I missed it a lot, and I especially still miss his style, I have a lot of great memories role playing with him and his wife for star wars or DnD.

Well since Chris and the other two have moved here I have rebuilt my game group, and while their style of playing is each very different from either Vinny or Amber's, they are still fun. I am DMing the current game we are running, and it is a bunch of fun, I am running a changeling mage as my character that I am running while DMing. It is nice to bring this activity back into my life on a regular basis, for it is something I love to do and spend time on.

Its so nice to do this again

Blessed Be

Name Change

2010-06-17T02:52:00.002-05:00

Well my name change petition was placed in the courthouse of my county as of Tuesday June 15, 2010. I am stuck waiting a month for it to be official, but the petition is in, so thats another step taken care of in my life. I am going back to the courthouse on July 19 to pick up the final paperwork that will allow me to go around and have my name legally changed at the bank...work....social security...etc.

It is a major step for me, and I am glad the petition is in, for while I have some minor worries that the petition may be denied, it does feel nice that it is in. I don't have to worry that I am getting it in too late, its in and thats something I do not have to worry about. To be completely honest I doubt that the petition will be denied, there is really no legal reason the judge would have to deny, unless its because I am trans in which case that would be discrimination which leads to many more FUN things -sarcasm-.

Either way, petition is in and thats that.

Also, I have made a choice to work on my drawing, something I have always wished I could do proficiently. I mean I can do basic things, but my actual skills for real life drawing are nil at best. And I do not wish to do Anime style drawing, I know many of those who can, and I want to make things that seem a little bit more real. I want to create a face, a hand, a body, create a facsimile of life and bring form and soul to it. Especially in the case of fantasy/scifi drawings, it would be nice to bring some realism to the pieces.

Incidentally I did call my electrolysis today and set up an appointment for Monday, so I will finally be getting back to getting rid of facial hair. It has been about a year since my last electrolysis appointment, and I really want this facial hair gone badly. It is something I hate, and shaving is just a pain in the butt and in the end grows back anyway. I want it gone, I want it gone fast, and just don't want to deal with it anymore.

Also, might be off my parent's health insurance until September due to asshole company and new law not taking effect until then. It seems because the law stating they have to keep me on until 27 wont come out until September, and I am 24 at the moment, they decided to drop me without a warning, not even bothering to tell my parents that they were dropping it until they already had.

Yeah, thanks assholes, thank you for the warning. Would have been nice to know it were happening so I could figure out my options BEFORE I lost the insurance. So now I am basically fucked for the moment on that front, I mean my father is going to talk to them, but to be honest I am not hopeful. I might be able to get on the Iowa state insurance for those months, but I am not even 100% sure of that. Although it is going to suck when I go full time, especially if my father has issues with my living as a woman, I might just get screwed on the insurance anyway.

But thats a little peak into my life as a Musician, as a Pagan, as a Woman.

Blessed Be.

Names, Being Sick, and Scary Video Games

2010-06-13T12:14:00.002-05:00

Well this has certainly been an interesting week for me, and the title of this particular entry pretty much says it all. I was sick, in the worst possible way, working on my name change, and also playing a scary video game. Grant you that doesn't say very much, but it gives you a general idea.

Tuesday afternoon, through Friday night, I was sick, and I mean sick sick. It was not pleasant, I'm not sure if I had the stomach flu, or had food poisoning, or what. All I know was keeping solid food down was all but impossible, and I was confined to the bathroom for long periods of time sitting there emptying myself. It was not pleasant, it was painful, and my teeth still feel funny from the vomiting. It sucks even more because I had to miss work days, and frankly I need the money right now.

Incidentally when I get to work yesterday for the first time since I had been sick, I find out that I am still running all hosting shifts. Now I do not think I have mentioned this on this blog, but I am trying to go back to serving so I can make more money, because frankly I make a lot more money as a server than as a hostess. What is my manager's only excuse for this, "Oh, I forgot to put you in the system." Yes Alex, that is TOOOOTALLY forgivable that you would forget THREE WEEKS in a row, despite the fact that the host manager and I have asked you to do this multiple times. Yes, it is perfectly fine that you would fuck up the schedule as always and leave me out of it, at least my manager for hosting was good enough to give me my hosting shifts so I wasn't totally fucked. So here I am with another hosting weak, and if he forgets again I am going to go off the deep end, farking idiot.

But lets move on....

As for my name, tomorrow I am planning to go to the courthouse to put in my petition for a name change, so that I can finally live with my proper name. It is a long process, takes a total of about a month of time to do, but it is worth it. I hope it goes without a hitch, because frankly without this step my whole "going full time" plan for August is kaput. I still worry about it, but I am trying to stay calm and for the most part am doing all right in that department.

This is just something I have really wanted for a long time now and this is the next big step, so it is very important to me. After the name change is done I move on to getting a new social security card which takes fourteen days roughly, and then on to other records. Records such as my bank, my phone, and anything else that has my damned other name on it. Lastly I would let work know a little in advance, so that they could be prepared, and thankfully this state has protection for transsexuals in the employment non-discrimination act.

I made sure to get a copy of my work file and all of my write ups, few as there are, so that after I make the change I have some evidence. So if they try to tack on a lot of write ups for bullcrap reasons I can pull mine out and say "well its a little suspicious that they bothered me about this NOW". I hope not to have to pull that card, but you never know.

But enough about that...

While I was sick though, when I wasn't confined to bed but felt ok enough to do something other than sit on the toilet, I was playing dead space. I would like to state for the record that Dead Space is a scary as hell game, and it is more intense than any other survival horror game I have ever played. I mean the music was perfectly composed and placed, the lighting was just perfect, and the way they sprung things on you makes you paranoid while playing it, and trigger happy. Its a great and fun game, but damned if its not scary as hell. If you ever get a chance, play it, but you will be scared almost guaranteed.

But that about catches up to me and my life, as a Musician, as a Pagan, and as a Woman.

Blessed Be.

Telling Friends

2010-06-07T17:21:00.002-05:00

Well I now only have two more of my high school friends to tell that I am trans, for I told one of my last remaining high school friends last night. He took it very well, even going so far as to be fairly inquisitive about the whole thing. He mainly just wanted to make sure it was all safe and that the risks were minimal, because he is my friend and he worries, thats what friends do. It is nice though that he took it well and is still talking to me and keeping touch, so his acceptance is not just a cover up of feelings.....sadly my dad isn't even being that kind of accepting.

I have two friends left to tell though, one who is in California at Berkley, and another who is currently living in either Virginia or Maryland, I cannot remember which. The last two might be the more difficult to convince, but hey, if they are my friends they will accept enough to know that this makes me happy and a more full and fulfilled human being. I am pretty sure they will be fine with it, in fact the only people I have told that have had problems with it......well is really only one person and that is my father.

Still no word on the Dad front, he is still helping me and talking to me, but he is still in denial about the whole thing. I guess the going full time might get him to finally deal with this, or he might go further into denial and either not talk to me or still treat me like "Robert" at which point I would start to ignore him due to my own impatience. It is not something I would be proud of but I can tend to get a bit problematic when I am angry.

I hope he can deal with it, because I really do want his approval. I mean I have always had my mother's approval, as long as I do not do something self destructive I know my mother is always there for me. She accepts me for who I am no matter who I am, and I know that I do not have to impress her or work for her approval or her pride, for she is always proud of me. My father on the other hand I have always wanted his approval and you have to work for it, although it is easier for me than it is for my brother for some reason. Either way this particular subject seems to be a sore point with my father, and he may never deal with it and I may have to come to terms with that fact.

I guess there is nothing I can do but wait and see what happens, and just live my life as a Musician, as a Pagan, and as a Woman.

Blessed Be

Bloggin About Da Stuff

2010-06-05T17:45:00.002-05:00

I was ordered to write a blog by my friend because I'm not putting enough posts on, so here I go.

lol, jk, love you Kota.

Just updating on life in general right now, my bf is here and that is wonderful, but that also has a whole list of other issues in my head. I am really happy to have him here, but I am also having some self image issues which is kinda sucking. I am having one of those times where i really REALLY wish I were post-op. Those hanging bits down there are grossing me out in a way I cannot properly explain, and despite being horny as hell, I cannot even contemplate sex right now.

I feel bad though because the bf is stuck pretty much taking care of his own hornyness because I am just never in the mood for sex. And when he makes me feel so wonderful all the time, I wish I could bring myself to return that to some small degree. But I just can't bring myself to do it, and it has nothing to do with him, because I have no issue having sex with him, I have an issue with myself.

-sigh-

Its really stupid too, because this shouldn't bother me because some day I will be post-op, but I just can't do it and I feel really bad. I can't even properly put into words how much I feel disgusted by myself, and if Chris reads this I know he will berate me for downing myself, he is such a sweetheart, I love him so much. He still can love me and make me feel happy despite how much I hate this body I am in, I do not know how he does it. I swear I have gotten lucky and gotten one of those few men in this world who are wonderful, and I don't ever want to lose him.

As for other things, well this month I want to get my name change done so I really legally am the name that I feel I am. It will cost me a pretty penny and take a good month, but it will be worth it, oh so very much.

I guess that is pretty much a lot of what has been going on, might type some more another day on various thoughts. It would be good to keep a better log of all of this online -shrugs- who knows. I'm just going to have to keep trying to live my life as a Musician, as a Pagan, as a Woman.

Blessed Be.

I has a Chris

2010-05-24T10:33:00.002-05:00

So on my trip back I picked up my boyfriend, and I have some nice alone time with him before we grab his other roomies to move them here. Its been nice to cuddle up and have my own time with him, makes me a happy woman.

Also I told my brother about my being trans and he took it wonderfully, which is how I pretty much thought it was going to happen. My brother is a reasonable human being who cares about me, he doesn't want to rule my life like my father seems to want to do. Either way my brother is just happy to be my sibling, and to always be my friend.

So life goes well in the life of me, as a Musician, as a Pagan, as a Woman.

Blessed Be

Grades

2010-05-13T13:55:00.003-05:00

YAY TWO POSTS IN ONE DAY...

lol, Its silly I know, but I really had to say this because I am excited about it. I just checked out my grades for this last semester and I got all B's which makes me really happy because that bodes well for my GPA. I thought I was going to get a C on one of them, but surprise surprise, I still got a B on Group Piano which I am totally excited about.

-does her little dance-

Just had to say that...

Blessed Be

I Feel Cute Today

2010-05-13T12:19:00.002-05:00

So last night I went over to my friend Bekky's dorm for some general hang out time and some overall girlishness, it was fun. Essentially we are in the same ball park of size, other than the fact of her large breasts, and I was trying on some of her clothes. It was over all a fun time, and I got to feel really girlie and cute for a while, and got to go home with some of them hehe.

She gave me a Red T-shirt, a pair of Grey Corduroy Pants, a pair of Plaid Shorts, and a cute Sun-dress. So I feel super cute, I am wearing the pants and the t-shirt, and it is a good feeling I have to say. Soonish I will be getting more clothing from good-will, when I get more money, but this is a wonderful start and I like feeling cute.

So here is just another step closer to living my life, As a Musician, As a Pagan, As a Woman...

Blessed Be

Out at work....kinda

2010-05-06T23:57:00.002-05:00

Well it has come out today that I have a boyfriend at work, and this is a good thing because I am the one who let it out. I am sick of hiding things so I am slowly going to let things about my life come out so I don't feel like a liar. Grant you now most of these people will think I'm gay because of this, and while they are half right, still its not quite there. Most of them thought I was gay anyway so it really isn't a change of pace, hell when I was talking about going out with someone and had not mentioned gender yet, one of them was asking about Chris and referring to him as he before she even knew the gender. This tells me she thought I was gay to begin with, and you know I really do not care what they think, I am just sick of hiding things and having to watch what I say for fear of something little getting out.

So this is a good thing, now I do not have to worry about as many things, and as far as I am concerned soonish I will be able to let out that I am trans. So at least I am having some progress at work, as a Musician, as a Pagan, as a Woman.

Blessed Be

Trip and a Violin

2010-05-05T00:26:00.004-05:00

Well here in a few weeks, around the time of my birthday, I am going to visit my parents for a multitude of reasons. I am looking forward to this trip, as well as not looking forward to this trip, its an oddly complex set of emotions. I mean I love seeing my parents, but always when I do it brings up complicated emotions. So there are good and bad things about this trip.

The Good:

Well first off my father is giving me one of his cars to replace my ford which has been going downhill for the past 2-3 years. I mean it still runs, but there is a good chance it is not going to be doing that for much longer. The car may not be much younger than my ford, but it was garage kept and well kept by a good owner for ten years. It was well treated so it is still in fairly good shape despite a few small hiccups.

Next my father is also giving me a new violin, it is one he found on craigslist for a very good price. It is an eighty year old violin from Japan, and it is apparently in very good shape and has a nice mellow soft sound to it, which would be good. My violin has a very ballzy, projecting, and loud sound, which I love, but it will be nice to have another that has a more quiet sound for appropriate pieces. I am looking forward to that greatly, because it is just more ways for me to musically experiment.

Lastly I am getting a bike for use in town, which is awesome.

The Bad:

My dad is still in denial over me being trans, and it just doesn't seem to be going anywhere, and my breasts are becoming harder and harder to hide. I might just tape the nipples down so it stops poking out so much, I don't need my dad to flip out on me when I'm so far from home. I have a feeling it will just be awkward soon, I am planning on going full time some time in august if I can. I have a feeling he will not deal with this well.

I want to tell my brother though while I am down there, let him know I'm trans. I'll prolly take him for a walk around town away from my dad, so my dad doesn't butt in and cause a problem. My brother I am fairly certain will deal with it well, despite his similarities to my father, he is a much more progressive person. My brother loves me, I know that, and I have a feeling he will be fine with it. I just have to get him away from my father.

But I guess this is all a part of living my life as a Musician, as a Pagan, as a Woman.

Blessed Be

Pretty Music

2010-04-28T13:29:00.000-05:00

So we worked on Pedal work in Group Piano today, and did so through a piece called dream echo's. It is very pretty, not hard to play, and I just love the echoey sound of it. Thats pretty much it, love listening to it and playing it.

Rachel signing out....

Teachers Can be Cruel

2010-04-23T13:55:00.002-05:00

Yeah, so the other day I had a test....I did not do so well but yeah, thats not quite the point. The main point is how the professor referred to me, as having done very poorly. The disdain was quite evident, and I have decided that this particular professor is quite cruel. I mean she is a wonderful accompanist and a great pianist, but she really has little to no respect for her students. She has a tendency to single those out that she does not feel are doing well and basically attack them until they get better. One of the students in my class dropped it because of the way this professor was treating her.

It really leads me to wonder how she still teaches, because this is not conducive to a good learning atmosphere. She is pushing students away that want to learn, you are supposed to encourage and support your students, not demean them. Its like the second you don't keep up with her standards she takes it like you are insulting her, and she treats you like crap for it.

Well I am going to show this bitch, and I am going to prove her wrong, it will take some work, but seriously, she needs to show her students some respect. Sure I could have practiced more, but I also have other things in my life, my violin practice, homework for all my other classes, there is a lot in my life I am doing. I mean piano competency is just one small part of a music degree and she is treating it like its some factory designed to put quality pianists out. Not everyone can keep up to your standards, and if they aren't, your supposed to support them not treat them like scum under your feet. You are not better than us, you are just more skilled, so stop acting so damned superior.

Fucking Bitch....

Wine Makes me Tired

2010-04-19T01:08:00.006-05:00

Yeah, I have to stop drinking wine at night, I gets super tired, right now I am about to faceboard. For those of you who do not know that means I am about to pass out with my face landing on my keyboard. Leaves you with funny marks on your face when you wake up in the shape of your keys.

Tired and Cooking

2010-04-17T23:38:00.001-05:00

Ok, so I got home from my support group meeting, really was just a few of us and we talked for fun and watched a documentary. I wasn't that tired yet so I slid a lasagna into the oven, but it takes a while, and now I feel like I'm about to pass out. I have to keep an eye on the food in the oven so I don't burn the place down. Stupid tiredness....

Hormones and Being a Woman

2010-04-12T23:46:00.003-05:00

Yeah, I love being a woman, and all that entails, but really the hormones can get on my nerves sometimes. I mean they are helping me become the woman I am, my skin feels softer, i finally am having some decent breast growth. I am feeling more and more like a woman every day, but yeah crazy stuff happens. I take injected hormones so it creates a hormonal cycle, and supposedly it helps the effect of the hormones. It makes it so my body handles it in cycles instead of becoming desensitized to it thus slowing growth.

It also gives me a period.....

I know, I don't have a uterus and I don't bleed once a month, but the rest of it is still there. When i first take the shot every month, within the first couple days I'm hornier than a desert lizard. And it just doesn't go away, I stay horny until a few days later when it finally settles down. It all stays normal for a while and no big deal until it gets to the last week before my next shot.

That last week I always feel all hormonal....or lack thereof....either way I get all moody, gasey, little cramps here and there. I definitely get PMSey, going off the handle at the slightest thing, whether that be anger or just breaking down and crying. I feel ugly, like I'll never be a true woman, like I am some sick freak. I just hate myself during this time, and just about anything sets me off, and its just really hard to focus.

If you didn't get the hint from the ranting, I'm in the latter time at the moment and I'm on the verge of tears. I feel stupid for being all emotional over nothing, but I guess thats the price for being a woman. I may be all emotional right now, but over all I am very happy with myself as I go, I may wish it would go faster but I am happy. I feel the mask coming off slowly, and it is a nice feeling to be free of the oppression of the fake male persona I had created.

I may have had crazy chocolate cravings before (I do love chocolate) but now I KNOW why women eat it when they are depressed.....it helps.

Been a While

2010-02-23T00:08:00.003-06:00

I noticed today that it has been a while since I have posted here in my blog, so might as well update.

Lots have been going on lately, especially since my last post. Sadly there is good news and bad news.

Here is the good news:

For one I made the discovery that instead of being a Lesbian like I thought I was, I am bisexual, guess it was kind of a come to terms moment for me. I just realized that gender didn't matter to me, it was who is inside that matters to me. Its something that I have noticed has been a part of me, I just never acknowledged it, but hey that is life.

On the same note I also have a boyfriend, he is a big sweetheart and I'm glad to have him, its just really nice to have someone care for you on that level. He is wonderful, sweet, caring, thoughtful, and pays attention to the little details. He visited a few weeks ago, and the week long he was here was just wonderful. I had him there to cuddle me, and in general make me feel like the woman that I am, it was bliss. Hopefully in June he'll move here so I get to see him all the time instead of just the one visit. He'll probably be bringing his roomies, which will be cool, I'll have people around me again which will be great.

Here is the bad news:

My friend Vinny passed away Jan 24 2010, at the age of 32, of a heart attack. The first weeks after were pretty rough, because he is not my first friend to pass too early, leaving me behind to grieve. I will miss him greatly, but I have to be here for his wife and kids who he left behind. They are like my nephews, and I want to do everything I can for them, because Vinny's memory deserves at least that much.

We kind of always knew he would have another heart attack, but when it actually happens it sucks beyond really explaining. He was like a brother to me, and it will probably take some time before I am completely over it. But I have his boys to think about, they need people more than ever now, because they can't have him anymore.

I miss you Vinny, and no one can ever really replace you in this world. I love you like a brother, and rest in peace knowing I'm here for your wife and your sons. They miss you too, and they will always love you, and I'll make sure the boys grow up knowing about you too, I know your wife will.

I gotta stop outliving my friends though, this is really beginning to suck, first Austin, now Vinny, who else is going to pass on me too early, before they could live their life. I guess all you can do is move on, and hope you have more good times with those you still have. -sigh-

Perlman.....WoW

2009-11-09T12:27:00.002-06:00

So last night I went to my school's performing arts center, where the most amazing violinist was playing, Itzhak Perlman. I was very lucky to get the ticket, only getting it a week before the actual performance was to take place. I was sitting in one of the box seats that were actually up on the stage, and I could literally see his hands moving with detail, directly to his left.

To say that words could not possibly describe my feelings while listening to him, I mean wow, there are just not enough word that could possibly do him justice. It was deffinatly the most amazing performance I have ever heard within my lifetime, and it was well worth the 42 dollars I paid for the ticket.

Blessed Be

Happy Samhain

2009-10-31T22:43:00.003-05:00

Well, it is October 31st, and that means it is Samhain (pronounced SowWhen), one of the 8 sabbats in my spirituality. It is a day of reflection, a day to honor the dead, for it is the time between years, the Pagan New Year. A Pagan time cycle works on a wheel, so when one year ends, the next begins, its cyclical not linear. It is better that way, for all endings create new beginnings, it is the balance of the universe.

But for my Samhain I performed a dumb supper, a simplistic yet highly emotional and important ritual. You have a meal, really simple, but you leave a portion of food and a place setting out to honor the dead and welcome them to your table. You show them honor by eating your meal in silence for the dead can no longer speak through voice. You leave a door open to allow them into your home, and you show them honor, for Samhain is a day for the dead to honor them.

For me I also wrote a note, to a specific friend who had passed away, who I had never told that I was really a woman. I wrote a long note out so that if he joined me at my table tonight he would have had a chance to read. It was a act of closure really, because its something I never really had with that friend, for I regretted never opening up fully to him. I still miss my friend, but at least now I have been honest with his spirit at the very least, and that makes me feel better.

But another day, life moves forward, As a Pagan, As a Musician, As a Woman...

Blessed Be

Complex Emotions

2009-10-20T04:25:00.001-05:00

A lot goes on in the human mind, when you want something so bad, but you are scared of ruining it. You want it so bad, but you know if because of this desire you ruined anything you would hate yourself for being so selfish. A lot is going on in the mind of this crazy girl.

New Hormones

2009-10-14T15:10:00.001-05:00

Well as of yesterday, I am on injected form of estrogen instead of those annoying patches. Already I am so happy for the change for so many reasons, and no I can't feel the difference yet, it hasn't been long enough. The nice thing is I don't have those gods forsaken patches to irritate my skin anymore, which I cannot even say how happy my skin is about that.

I did have some fears, cause needles always used to give me the heebie jeebies, but it really wasn't that bad. You stick it in quickly, and it takes a while to put the thick oil in, but for the most part it isn't that bad. Doesn't really hurt, just feels like you have a golf ball inside of your thigh, because it is injected directly into the muscle. It feels odd but not entirely unpleasant, and while there are a few more risks with this form of estrogen, its so worth the end results.

So overall I am happy about it, to be completely honest.

Blessed Be

Update

2009-10-12T02:55:00.002-05:00

Well as it seems, I have not given a proper post in a bit and a lot has happened.

Romantically concerned Ashley is a no go, due to misinterpreted bible verse she has been convinced she is "doing wrong by god" and thus has given up on transition and myself. It sucked, i cried for a few days, but I'm over it and living my life blast it.

As for my violin front, I am getting better slowly as is expected, and I am actually starting to produce a halfway decent sound. My teacher has suggested that instead of doing 1 hour straight per day as my practice, to break it up into two sessions. Due to my skill level there isn't much i can work on in one sitting like a more advanced student would be able to. So I think I am going to change my schedule around, normally I'm up at noon, and then go to classes. What I am going to do instead is wake up an hour earlier, and then practice a half hour before classes. Then once I get home from classes I will relax, loosen up, and practice another half hour. I put in my hour a day, and I don't go mad with the monotony.

So I am happy with the direction that is going, it is taking time, but hey, Rome wasn't built in a day.

As for transition, it is about the same as before, with a few changes. My doctor has finally prescribed me injected estrogen, which just rocks, because it means no more forsaken patches. I plan to get it injected for the first time in my system on tuesday, I look forward to the hormones and not the needle, but still. Other than that I need to find a way to get some more money if only to get my electro paid for, and get some more clothing so I can have a proper wardrobe and go full time or something.

Either way life moves forward, as a Musician, as a Pagan, as a Woman.

Blessed Be

Being sick sucks

2009-10-01T14:07:00.001-05:00

Enough said, I think that gets the point across.

another day

2009-09-29T04:11:00.001-05:00

Well it seems that she had thought things over and wants to actually understand my spirituality and to respect it. She told me she is interested in me but doesn't want me trying to convert her, something I have no issues with for it is her belief. So at least she is willing to try, and I am too, I will not change my beliefs for her for it is part of who I am, but I will respect hers and not try to do anything to hurt her faith. I want to build a relationship of friendship and trust so that if by some miracle this works out romantically we started out on a good foot.

Just thought I would put fourth an update.

Blessed Be

-Sigh-

2009-09-28T02:32:00.002-05:00

This is just my luck, this happens every time I get my hopes up that maybe I won't spend my life as the old maid with no one to love. I meet someone who seems interesting and something always happens and then here I am stuck crying alone again. I am getting so sick and tired of being alone, with only myself to cry with.

I was talking to this one girl online, she doesn't live too far from me actually, she was just so cool. She is a tranny like me, only into women like me, and things as we were talking were just seeming to click, it seemed so perfect. Well it apparently ended up to perfect to be true, for there was a wrench thrown in the works. She is christian, and while that isn't a problem for me because I love people for who they are, not what they believe, but it apparently is a big deal with her.

Her reasons are admirable, she just doesn't want to see someone she loves damned to an eternity in hell. It seems an innocent enough, and i admire someone who cares, but the thing is I'm pagan, I don't believe in any of that. Still I was staying open minded and hoping that maybe this could work, but she doesn't seem to think so.

I'm still going to try talking to her more, find out more, and see if we can find some middle ground. It is just that it is a big deal to her, and I can respect that, but I cannot change who I am. I started my transition to become who I am, to take off this mask that I hate so very very much. I cannot put that mask back on, and changing my beliefs so that I am not alone anymore would be doing just that. I would just start to spiral downward and start to resent her, and I don't want to feel that towards anyone. I am hoping for something to work out between us, maybe we could come to an understanding and still maybe be together........I am not having much hope in that department though......in fact I'm crying while typing this.

It is just that I am getting so tired of being alone, feeling empty every day, incomplete. I want someone to be there with me, and every time I try something happens and my heart gets thrashed. I don't know why I try anymore, it just hurts every time.......I am going to talk to her more though, I want to see if something can be made of this without changing who I am.

Who knows though, still....looks like im going to be crying myself to sleep tonight......again. Wish I could have posted something happier....but that seems not to be my luck.

Blessed Be

The Learning Process Begins Anew

2009-09-16T03:39:00.002-05:00

Well, finally, well I guess its yesterday now because it is 4AMish when I am posting this, but on Tuesday September 15th, 2009 I have begun my violin lessons again. It was a short one where she got to the major issues I was having, and I think they will help me out a lot. For example she suggested, confirming another professor's suggestion, to get a new chin rest for my violin. The way the old one was designed, if I were holding the violin with my chin properly, it dug in and hurt like hell. She suggested one that sits over the tailpiece, where as a normal one is to the left of it.

So I stopped by the House of Violins in my area, and he get it first shot, found a chin rest that was super comfortable. The nice part was it was also in a similar style, as in was still made of rosewood, so feasibly the sound of my violin will change little and it will be more comfortable. I am happy with this because I love the sound of my violin, and so anything that would change it could be bad. In this case it shouldn't change much, if at all, noticeably.

It will be odd getting used to seeing it, I'm so used to the "normal" style of violin chin rest, and so it will be a bit weird getting used to it. Hey, I am an oddball though, and it seems that this will translate to my music. Its odd, how both of the people I spoke with were shorter necked and less bony individuals, and so their style of holding the violin has to be very different than mine. It was odd to see such a difference, because their chin rests are much lower, and also of the more "normal" style. It fits with their body type, but it apparently wont fit with mine, so thus is life, and I think I may come to like the idea, it fits with my ridiculous OCD habit of wanting symmetry.

As for the transgender things happening in my life, not much, I did get back in contact with a local who I had spoken with before. Got to meet his wife and children, who by the way are adorable, although their voices hurt. They hit that just perfect volume and frequency that causes my ears so much pain that it sometimes makes me lose my feet and fall to the floor. They are little darlings though, and just so adorable, they will have quite the life ahead of them those little girls, and will grow up in a very open-minded household which will be good for the future of our nation in my opinion.

And as for my Pagan happenings, I am slowly adding more additions to my Book of Shadows, and I am not kidding when I say slowly. I do have my whole life ahead of me though, so I am in no rush, my spirituality will always be there for me. I will one day have a more full BoS, grant you it will never be complete, because one is always learning in this thing we call life. And I do have to say that I do love to learn and constantly add to my life all those wonderful things. So I don't mind that the book will never be truly complete, but instead gain joy from the fact that it will ever get bigger across the journey through my life, as a Musician, as a Pagan, as a Woman.

I think that will become my theme...

Blessed Be

Dreams, and why I wish they wouldn't happen sometimes.

2009-09-11T15:28:00.003-05:00

I am one of those people who seldomly remembers her dreams, if ever, when I have them every night when I go to bed. I mean we all have dreams, its just a matter of remembering them sometimes, which almost never happens to me. I mention this because within the last couple of days I had a dream that I remembered, and it was one of those that while wonderful, I wish I did not remember it.

Essentially the dream was that I was post op, ie I had my surgery that would finally make me a full woman in body as well as mind. This dream was not long after surgery would have happened, within a year, and I was exploring my new parts down there in my dream. To put it in blunt and to the point terms, I was masturbating as a woman for the first time, yeah, I know, crude but that gets the point across.

What got me about this dream was how vivid it was, I could feel each and every thing that was going on in the dream. Now grant you I have had a penis since I was born, so there is no way I could know what these feelings are truly like, but somehow it worked in the dream. It felt nothing like what it feels like in real life, and nothing has ever felt so right in my life. I felt like a true woman, the levels of pleasure going on in the dream were simply unimaginable, I don't think words would do it justice. It felt so wonderful, it felt so right, as if everything in the world was as it was supposed to be.

The only bad part was waking up, I almost cried when I did, when it hit me that it was just a dream and not wonderful reality. It put my own life into stark contrast, and made me feel even more wrong in my body.......-sigh-

Blessed Be

Book of Shadows

2009-09-06T03:06:00.002-05:00

So today I started putting some entries in my book of shadows, just information and the like on the Sabbats and various other things, organizing it and the like. I haven't added spells of yet, but hey, all in good time, I still have much to learn as a Pagan. My journey is a journey of self and I will learn as much and include as much as I can of myself into the trip on the way. I am down the road to contentment, happiness in my true self as I am. It is a nice feeling to go on this journey, and discover your sense of self, find who you really are, and come to terms with and come to actually love your true self. It is actually a really liberating experience, and has been increasing my self confidence quite a lot I may add, it is quite the wonderful feeling. Now if I can just get my dad to understand this....

As for my violin lessons, seems I'm going to have to wait just one more week due to scheduling conflicts. My teacher and I just cannot sync up this week, so in all likelihood my first lesson with her will be next week. That is fine with me, either way I am learning to be better with my violin, and am becoming more satisfied with my ability as I go along. It is a long road to be a musician and a teacher, but I believe it will be a fulfilling one, as opposed to my old major of computer science which just sucked. I am happy in my life though, it is really moving forward, if slowly, but it is still moving unlike when I lived in Tennessee.

I am slowly removing the mask and becoming myself, on the Journey to discover myself, as a Musician, as a Pagan, as a Woman.

Blessed Be

The Mask is Slowly Coming Off

2009-09-02T16:35:00.003-05:00

Well I just got back in touch with my violin teacher, and will hopefully begin next week on Monday or Tuesday with my violin lessons. I'm looking forward to this because it means I will get better, and have guidance for a good direction to go in my learning of my most treasured thing. I cannot wait to begin, because with direction I will get better a lot faster, and hopefully within a year or two get started with the bulk of my major. I am working to become a High School or Middle School Orchestra (not band, screw that) director, and I will work my hardest on it.

Starting next semester will be the group piano, which will be fun, learning piano was something I was always interested in. Well now I have an excuse to learn it, because it is required for my major to graduate.

On the subject of transition, I also need to get in contact with my electrolysist, so that I may get that started again as well. I cannot await the day that I no longer grow hair on my upper lip and jawline, then I won't have to worry about it anymore. The faster this happens the faster I will be feasibly be able to go Part or Full Time as myself, as the woman I am, in daily life. I haven't determined which one I am going to try for yet, but either way when the time comes, I will be the woman I have always dreamed of being physically along with the mentally I am used to.

The mask is slowly coming off....

The Future

2009-08-31T03:50:00.002-05:00

Yet another week of classes begin, another week of some interesting things to come, and I'm still loving it.

For Intro to Psyche, I was assigned a few things, and among them is to make this little card for my Professor. The class has at least 140 people in it, its a lecture hall, and she wanted us to fill out an index card with my name, year, some personality test thing, and 3 interesting things about me. I put on my card, which I am to hand in on tuesday, and for one of the interesting things I wrote one thing.

"I am a pre-op, transitioning male to female transsexual."

I did this for a few reasons, the main being that because she is a psych teacher, I thought that she would find this interesting. Also I need to start being more open about my whole life, so that I may get over these fears and insecurities. This is just a start, and it will hopefully help, and with a class as big as it is i doubt it would cause a problem. Sure it sounds odd to all of you, but this is another step in my life of becoming the woman that I am.

But on to other things...

I am hopefully going to get back to Violin lessons next week at some time, or maybe the week after, it depends on what my teacher can do. Still, I am improving with my intonation and bowing with my violin, which is great. I mean I am not expecting to play Paganini anytime soon, but still I am improving which I am so happy about, one day I will be good. I look forward to the orchestra playing the most to be honest.

But that is a small update on my life, thanks for tuning in, this is Widow, out.

Men, and why they don't make sense

2009-08-29T01:58:00.002-05:00

So ok, I know I was born one and all, but seriously, men just don't make sense.

I go to the store to pick up a gift card that my father bought for me at my local food store, my parents wanting to keep me fed and all. And so I ask the attendant to go and get it for me when I go to pay. He can't find the darned thing, and I watched as he just looked in the shelves and cabinets without moving anything....typical.

Next he gets a manager, who does the EXACT SAME THING. Neither of them ever lifted anything to find the darned gift card, I mean what the hell. They didn't even bother, men seriously need to learn from us some time.

-mutter grumble- I'm so glad I'm a lesbian.

Classes

2009-08-28T15:24:00.003-05:00

Well I just finished my first week of classes, and I have to say that I am enjoying everything thoroughly. I have three different classes, consisting first of Religeons of the World, Molecules & Life, and lastly Intro to Psychology. Its a lot of fun and the teachers have an interesting teaching styles so It is a lot of fun so far.

Short post, but still, just a little update.

Oh, and also I have started building my book of shadows, all in good time...

Beginnings

2009-08-27T13:18:00.003-05:00

Well I guess it is time to get this started.

I decided to start this blog as a place to vent my thoughts, but also am going to pull my friends here to maybe take a look at it. I'm not entirely sure myself, I have just been wanting to start a place to put my thoughts, and maybe some people will look at them. Plans aren't entirely well made at the moment, I am just going with it and see how this goes.

A few things about me, other than what is in the about me section to the right. I am also Pagan, though I am still discovering my own path in that regard, finding my own way. Constant learning is a thing with all paths though, you will never know everything, and anyone who thinks they do is a moron. So I am starting to get my tools of the trade, planning to carve my own Athame, I know they are supposed to be metal, but what the hey, thats what I want to do with it. I feel a much more keen connection to wood, something that has always symbolized life to me.

I have always felt attuned to the Earth element, and also partially attuned to Water, and I feel the stuff of life when I channel them together. I find wood to be this combination and will use the Athame to represent my position in any ritual or magick. That will be one of my steps, but I still have far to go, and much discovery ahead of me, life is moving forward. I am also going to start working on my Book of Shadows, or my book of knowledge so to speak, where I can keep calenders of the sacred Sabbats and Esbats, spells, knowledge I have gleaned and the like. It will just be a simple notebook, but I will keep my knowledge in it of all things Pagan I deal with.

But on to other things...

Lately, in the realm of my transition from male to female, I have been trying to get over some of my fears and insecurities. I have a lot of trouble worrying how other people will react around me, not caring what they think so much as if they will get violent because "what I am doing is wrong." (note the quotation marks, becoming my true self has nothing wrong with it.). I have heard too many stories of tranny's being beaten just for being themselves, though usually that is in sexual situations. I am currently not looking for sex or a significant other, though I'll take someone if the situation arises, but I would be open about myself. I don't want to be killed because someone is insecure because they "Just had sex with a guy." (im not a guy, but people actually think like this its amazing.)

I have been doing little things to get over my insecurities, the main currently being the use of my purse. For the past two weeks I have started carrying around my purse regardless of whether I am presenting as male or female. Mostly its just convenient to have around, allowing me to carry things around that I need, and I don't need to carry anything in my pockets. It is definitely a woman's purse, so there is no misinterpreting it as a murse, and I have made that clear to my coworkers at least. Mostly no one is being bothered by it, which is helping out my insecurities and allowing me to do more daring things.

More on that later as I work harder at it...

I am on hormones though and have been for a year come September 2009, and it has made such a difference in my comfort in myself. My skin is getting softer, breasts are growing in (albeit slowly), my body hair is getting lighter colored and thinner, and my hair is starting to get thicker if slowly. I still am pre-op, so I still have to deal with the boy bits much to my distress, but that will be taken care of in time. I plan to have the surgery some day, and then I will be truly happy with my body, but until then I will learn everything I can and enjoy myself.

Now on to other things...

I am a music major, specifically down the instrumental education path, so that one day I may teach High School Orchestra, or at least that is my plan. I love my music, I am a Violinist, and my Violin is possibly one of the most beautiful things in the world to me. My music is my everything, it is the largest part of who I am, and brings me great joy and wellness. Even when I am depressed and hating my body (which happens often enough), my music always makes me feel better, for it is my most beautiful thing. I love my music greatly, and I would love to teach this to others so that maybe the next generation might feel this same love for music that I do.

But I guess that is enough from me for one post, I will eventually vent more of my thoughts on this blog in the future, so look for me in the future.

Blessed Be