Trip and a Violin

Well here in a few weeks, around the time of my birthday, I am going to visit my parents for a multitude of reasons. I am looking forward to this trip, as well as not looking forward to this trip, its an oddly complex set of emotions. I mean I love seeing my parents, but always when I do it brings up complicated emotions. So there are good and bad things about this trip.

The Good:

Well first off my father is giving me one of his cars to replace my ford which has been going downhill for the past 2-3 years. I mean it still runs, but there is a good chance it is not going to be doing that for much longer. The car may not be much younger than my ford, but it was garage kept and well kept by a good owner for ten years. It was well treated so it is still in fairly good shape despite a few small hiccups.

Next my father is also giving me a new violin, it is one he found on craigslist for a very good price. It is an eighty year old violin from Japan, and it is apparently in very good shape and has a nice mellow soft sound to it, which would be good. My violin has a very ballzy, projecting, and loud sound, which I love, but it will be nice to have another that has a more quiet sound for appropriate pieces. I am looking forward to that greatly, because it is just more ways for me to musically experiment.

Lastly I am getting a bike for use in town, which is awesome.

The Bad:

My dad is still in denial over me being trans, and it just doesn't seem to be going anywhere, and my breasts are becoming harder and harder to hide. I might just tape the nipples down so it stops poking out so much, I don't need my dad to flip out on me when I'm so far from home. I have a feeling it will just be awkward soon, I am planning on going full time some time in august if I can. I have a feeling he will not deal with this well.

I want to tell my brother though while I am down there, let him know I'm trans. I'll prolly take him for a walk around town away from my dad, so my dad doesn't butt in and cause a problem. My brother I am fairly certain will deal with it well, despite his similarities to my father, he is a much more progressive person. My brother loves me, I know that, and I have a feeling he will be fine with it. I just have to get him away from my father.

But I guess this is all a part of living my life as a Musician, as a Pagan, as a Woman.

Blessed Be

Pretty Music

So we worked on Pedal work in Group Piano today, and did so through a piece called dream echo's. It is very pretty, not hard to play, and I just love the echoey sound of it. Thats pretty much it, love listening to it and playing it.

Rachel signing out....

Teachers Can be Cruel

Yeah, so the other day I had a test....I did not do so well but yeah, thats not quite the point. The main point is how the professor referred to me, as having done very poorly. The disdain was quite evident, and I have decided that this particular professor is quite cruel. I mean she is a wonderful accompanist and a great pianist, but she really has little to no respect for her students. She has a tendency to single those out that she does not feel are doing well and basically attack them until they get better. One of the students in my class dropped it because of the way this professor was treating her.

It really leads me to wonder how she still teaches, because this is not conducive to a good learning atmosphere. She is pushing students away that want to learn, you are supposed to encourage and support your students, not demean them. Its like the second you don't keep up with her standards she takes it like you are insulting her, and she treats you like crap for it.

Well I am going to show this bitch, and I am going to prove her wrong, it will take some work, but seriously, she needs to show her students some respect. Sure I could have practiced more, but I also have other things in my life, my violin practice, homework for all my other classes, there is a lot in my life I am doing. I mean piano competency is just one small part of a music degree and she is treating it like its some factory designed to put quality pianists out. Not everyone can keep up to your standards, and if they aren't, your supposed to support them not treat them like scum under your feet. You are not better than us, you are just more skilled, so stop acting so damned superior.

Fucking Bitch....

Wine Makes me Tired

Yeah, I have to stop drinking wine at night, I gets super tired, right now I am about to faceboard. For those of you who do not know that means I am about to pass out with my face landing on my keyboard. Leaves you with funny marks on your face when you wake up in the shape of your keys.

Tired and Cooking

Ok, so I got home from my support group meeting, really was just a few of us and we talked for fun and watched a documentary. I wasn't that tired yet so I slid a lasagna into the oven, but it takes a while, and now I feel like I'm about to pass out. I have to keep an eye on the food in the oven so I don't burn the place down. Stupid tiredness....

Hormones and Being a Woman

Yeah, I love being a woman, and all that entails, but really the hormones can get on my nerves sometimes. I mean they are helping me become the woman I am, my skin feels softer, i finally am having some decent breast growth. I am feeling more and more like a woman every day, but yeah crazy stuff happens. I take injected hormones so it creates a hormonal cycle, and supposedly it helps the effect of the hormones. It makes it so my body handles it in cycles instead of becoming desensitized to it thus slowing growth.

It also gives me a period.....

I know, I don't have a uterus and I don't bleed once a month, but the rest of it is still there. When i first take the shot every month, within the first couple days I'm hornier than a desert lizard. And it just doesn't go away, I stay horny until a few days later when it finally settles down. It all stays normal for a while and no big deal until it gets to the last week before my next shot.

That last week I always feel all hormonal....or lack thereof....either way I get all moody, gasey, little cramps here and there. I definitely get PMSey, going off the handle at the slightest thing, whether that be anger or just breaking down and crying. I feel ugly, like I'll never be a true woman, like I am some sick freak. I just hate myself during this time, and just about anything sets me off, and its just really hard to focus.

If you didn't get the hint from the ranting, I'm in the latter time at the moment and I'm on the verge of tears. I feel stupid for being all emotional over nothing, but I guess thats the price for being a woman. I may be all emotional right now, but over all I am very happy with myself as I go, I may wish it would go faster but I am happy. I feel the mask coming off slowly, and it is a nice feeling to be free of the oppression of the fake male persona I had created.

I may have had crazy chocolate cravings before (I do love chocolate) but now I KNOW why women eat it when they are depressed.....it helps.

Been a While

I noticed today that it has been a while since I have posted here in my blog, so might as well update.

Lots have been going on lately, especially since my last post. Sadly there is good news and bad news.

Here is the good news:

For one I made the discovery that instead of being a Lesbian like I thought I was, I am bisexual, guess it was kind of a come to terms moment for me. I just realized that gender didn't matter to me, it was who is inside that matters to me. Its something that I have noticed has been a part of me, I just never acknowledged it, but hey that is life.

On the same note I also have a boyfriend, he is a big sweetheart and I'm glad to have him, its just really nice to have someone care for you on that level. He is wonderful, sweet, caring, thoughtful, and pays attention to the little details. He visited a few weeks ago, and the week long he was here was just wonderful. I had him there to cuddle me, and in general make me feel like the woman that I am, it was bliss. Hopefully in June he'll move here so I get to see him all the time instead of just the one visit. He'll probably be bringing his roomies, which will be cool, I'll have people around me again which will be great.

Here is the bad news:

My friend Vinny passed away Jan 24 2010, at the age of 32, of a heart attack. The first weeks after were pretty rough, because he is not my first friend to pass too early, leaving me behind to grieve. I will miss him greatly, but I have to be here for his wife and kids who he left behind. They are like my nephews, and I want to do everything I can for them, because Vinny's memory deserves at least that much.

We kind of always knew he would have another heart attack, but when it actually happens it sucks beyond really explaining. He was like a brother to me, and it will probably take some time before I am completely over it. But I have his boys to think about, they need people more than ever now, because they can't have him anymore.

I miss you Vinny, and no one can ever really replace you in this world. I love you like a brother, and rest in peace knowing I'm here for your wife and your sons. They miss you too, and they will always love you, and I'll make sure the boys grow up knowing about you too, I know your wife will.

I gotta stop outliving my friends though, this is really beginning to suck, first Austin, now Vinny, who else is going to pass on me too early, before they could live their life. I guess all you can do is move on, and hope you have more good times with those you still have. -sigh-