Saturday, October 31, 2009

Happy Samhain

Well, it is October 31st, and that means it is Samhain (pronounced SowWhen), one of the 8 sabbats in my spirituality. It is a day of reflection, a day to honor the dead, for it is the time between years, the Pagan New Year. A Pagan time cycle works on a wheel, so when one year ends, the next begins, its cyclical not linear. It is better that way, for all endings create new beginnings, it is the balance of the universe.

But for my Samhain I performed a dumb supper, a simplistic yet highly emotional and important ritual. You have a meal, really simple, but you leave a portion of food and a place setting out to honor the dead and welcome them to your table. You show them honor by eating your meal in silence for the dead can no longer speak through voice. You leave a door open to allow them into your home, and you show them honor, for Samhain is a day for the dead to honor them.

For me I also wrote a note, to a specific friend who had passed away, who I had never told that I was really a woman. I wrote a long note out so that if he joined me at my table tonight he would have had a chance to read. It was a act of closure really, because its something I never really had with that friend, for I regretted never opening up fully to him. I still miss my friend, but at least now I have been honest with his spirit at the very least, and that makes me feel better.

But another day, life moves forward, As a Pagan, As a Musician, As a Woman...

Blessed Be

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Complex Emotions

A lot goes on in the human mind, when you want something so bad, but you are scared of ruining it. You want it so bad, but you know if because of this desire you ruined anything you would hate yourself for being so selfish. A lot is going on in the mind of this crazy girl.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

New Hormones

Well as of yesterday, I am on injected form of estrogen instead of those annoying patches. Already I am so happy for the change for so many reasons, and no I can't feel the difference yet, it hasn't been long enough. The nice thing is I don't have those gods forsaken patches to irritate my skin anymore, which I cannot even say how happy my skin is about that.

I did have some fears, cause needles always used to give me the heebie jeebies, but it really wasn't that bad. You stick it in quickly, and it takes a while to put the thick oil in, but for the most part it isn't that bad. Doesn't really hurt, just feels like you have a golf ball inside of your thigh, because it is injected directly into the muscle. It feels odd but not entirely unpleasant, and while there are a few more risks with this form of estrogen, its so worth the end results.

So overall I am happy about it, to be completely honest.

Blessed Be

Monday, October 12, 2009


Well as it seems, I have not given a proper post in a bit and a lot has happened.

Romantically concerned Ashley is a no go, due to misinterpreted bible verse she has been convinced she is "doing wrong by god" and thus has given up on transition and myself. It sucked, i cried for a few days, but I'm over it and living my life blast it.

As for my violin front, I am getting better slowly as is expected, and I am actually starting to produce a halfway decent sound. My teacher has suggested that instead of doing 1 hour straight per day as my practice, to break it up into two sessions. Due to my skill level there isn't much i can work on in one sitting like a more advanced student would be able to. So I think I am going to change my schedule around, normally I'm up at noon, and then go to classes. What I am going to do instead is wake up an hour earlier, and then practice a half hour before classes. Then once I get home from classes I will relax, loosen up, and practice another half hour. I put in my hour a day, and I don't go mad with the monotony.

So I am happy with the direction that is going, it is taking time, but hey, Rome wasn't built in a day.

As for transition, it is about the same as before, with a few changes. My doctor has finally prescribed me injected estrogen, which just rocks, because it means no more forsaken patches. I plan to get it injected for the first time in my system on tuesday, I look forward to the hormones and not the needle, but still. Other than that I need to find a way to get some more money if only to get my electro paid for, and get some more clothing so I can have a proper wardrobe and go full time or something.

Either way life moves forward, as a Musician, as a Pagan, as a Woman.

Blessed Be

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Being sick sucks

Enough said, I think that gets the point across.