Thursday, September 30, 2010

Depressed, and Annoyed About It

These feelings of depression are getting really old, because they contradict what I know, and what is logical to me.

This happens every single Thursday, which is my sight singing class day, we do what normally happens in the class, and every time it just depresses me. I am sick of my voice, videos online don't help worth a damn, and I just need to figure it out myself. So basically I hate my voice along with my body, and it is just not a fun combination, but I know its all stupid.

I mean I feel disgusted with myself, and I feel like I do not deserve the friends I have, my bf, all these people in my life that make me so happy. It is all a product of my hatred of my body which has only gotten worse since I went full time. Now that I am living as the woman that I am I get self-conscious about everything, if my genitalia is ruining how my clothes look, and I KNOW I am not passing because I still get sired at work. Most of the not passing is from my voice, because I suck so very much at it, and it makes me wonder why the hell I got the bright idea of being a music major where my voice matters.


I also still have to tell my dad about me living full time as a woman, well my parents in general, but my dad is the one that will likely go off the deep end. So I am by no means looking forward to it, but it really needs to be done. I mean I can still use the health insurance they are paying for because my name change form will make it at least usable, but still who knows what he wants to do after knowing I'm full time as a woman.


Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Weird Dreams

So the other day I had a very odd, and to be honest very depressing dream, hasn't left me happy. In the dream I was at work, but the weird part was that I was 8-9 months pregnant, and it just felt so nice. Having kids is something I really really want to do, but I can never bear them myself because I happened to be born male. I try not to let it get to me, but sometimes it just really really depresses me, as the case was today when I was thinking about it.

I mean from my boyfriend's point of view its a benefit, he doesn't want kids and me not being able to have them makes that a lot easier. But when you really want to have them some day, and sometimes wish you could carry them yourself, its kinda saddening.


Blessed Be

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Yeah, I Know, I've Been Quiet

I'm a bad girl and you can spank me later for it, actually I might like that -giggle-.

Life has settled into normality for me with the whole full time thing, which is essentially the goal I was going after. I still haven't told my dad, though I really need to and I can't think of a way to talk about it with him. I might try and come up with something this weekend, idk, its really hard to deal with in my head.

But yeah, its nice to be called Rachel all the time, it feels good, though I do still get "sir'ed" at work all the time. Most of those seem to be deliberate and I mostly just ignore them, but I mean seriously, come on. I am dressed in womens clothing, I have jewelry on all of a feminine nature, a feminine haircut, I have makeup on, AND I HAVE BREASTS. People are stupid, they really are.

But yeah, I have really settled in well, work is going fine, no discrimination from my coworkers that I have noticed. I mostly get curiosity from my coworkers and similar responses, all in a positive way. Thankfully they are all starting to settle into it as well, to the point that I am starting to be who I am to them, its becoming normal slowly for my coworkers too. I would have to say that Full time has started with flying colors, which I am very happy about. Mostly I am just settling in, enjoying it, still need to make my voice sound better but its not high on my list of cares. I know who I am, those I care about know who I am, and my work is accepting. The only really awkward thing is Sight Singing for my theory class, which can be a little tough because singing outside your range is not only difficult but difficult to do in tune without sounding bad. idk, I'll work out the voice thing in time I guess.

So yeah, Full Time is going gloriously, life is wonderful, and I am happy.

Just need to tell my father.

Blessed Be