Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Laundry and Relaxation

I will say this much, with the roomies living with me laundry day sucks just that little bit less. We play magic the gathering while we wait on the laundry, and in general just hang out. I get less bored, less lonely, and the time seems to go that much faster. Needless to say that I am enjoying it to the fullest.

If you haven't guessed its laundry day and we just finished lol.

Other than that I am mostly just relaxing and doing nothing really, sitting around bored and not really wanting to do anything constructive. I am likely going to be logging onto WoW tonight just to get some of the midsummer achievement stuff done, because I am not missing out on that, I want my damned Drake.

Still wish I could get over my self image issues and have some damned sex, because gods know I am horny enough. Maybe my sexual side will just take over some day soon and I will jump chris, who knows, but for now it is still stopping me -grumble- surgery cannot come soon enough.

Blessed Be

Friday, June 18, 2010

It is nice to have a DND group again

Ever since Vinny passed away I have not been able to play much in the way of dungeons and dragons, until recently. Roleplaying and DnD are major staples in my life, games of this nature allow me to play in a fun world with close friends. It was something Vinny, Amber, and I did a lot of when he was alive. I missed it a lot, and I especially still miss his style, I have a lot of great memories role playing with him and his wife for star wars or DnD.

Well since Chris and the other two have moved here I have rebuilt my game group, and while their style of playing is each very different from either Vinny or Amber's, they are still fun. I am DMing the current game we are running, and it is a bunch of fun, I am running a changeling mage as my character that I am running while DMing. It is nice to bring this activity back into my life on a regular basis, for it is something I love to do and spend time on.

Its so nice to do this again

Blessed Be

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Name Change

Well my name change petition was placed in the courthouse of my county as of Tuesday June 15, 2010. I am stuck waiting a month for it to be official, but the petition is in, so thats another step taken care of in my life. I am going back to the courthouse on July 19 to pick up the final paperwork that will allow me to go around and have my name legally changed at the security...etc.

It is a major step for me, and I am glad the petition is in, for while I have some minor worries that the petition may be denied, it does feel nice that it is in. I don't have to worry that I am getting it in too late, its in and thats something I do not have to worry about. To be completely honest I doubt that the petition will be denied, there is really no legal reason the judge would have to deny, unless its because I am trans in which case that would be discrimination which leads to many more FUN things -sarcasm-.

Either way, petition is in and thats that.

Also, I have made a choice to work on my drawing, something I have always wished I could do proficiently. I mean I can do basic things, but my actual skills for real life drawing are nil at best. And I do not wish to do Anime style drawing, I know many of those who can, and I want to make things that seem a little bit more real. I want to create a face, a hand, a body, create a facsimile of life and bring form and soul to it. Especially in the case of fantasy/scifi drawings, it would be nice to bring some realism to the pieces.

Incidentally I did call my electrolysis today and set up an appointment for Monday, so I will finally be getting back to getting rid of facial hair. It has been about a year since my last electrolysis appointment, and I really want this facial hair gone badly. It is something I hate, and shaving is just a pain in the butt and in the end grows back anyway. I want it gone, I want it gone fast, and just don't want to deal with it anymore.

Also, might be off my parent's health insurance until September due to asshole company and new law not taking effect until then. It seems because the law stating they have to keep me on until 27 wont come out until September, and I am 24 at the moment, they decided to drop me without a warning, not even bothering to tell my parents that they were dropping it until they already had.

Yeah, thanks assholes, thank you for the warning. Would have been nice to know it were happening so I could figure out my options BEFORE I lost the insurance. So now I am basically fucked for the moment on that front, I mean my father is going to talk to them, but to be honest I am not hopeful. I might be able to get on the Iowa state insurance for those months, but I am not even 100% sure of that. Although it is going to suck when I go full time, especially if my father has issues with my living as a woman, I might just get screwed on the insurance anyway.

But thats a little peak into my life as a Musician, as a Pagan, as a Woman.

Blessed Be.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Names, Being Sick, and Scary Video Games

Well this has certainly been an interesting week for me, and the title of this particular entry pretty much says it all. I was sick, in the worst possible way, working on my name change, and also playing a scary video game. Grant you that doesn't say very much, but it gives you a general idea.

Tuesday afternoon, through Friday night, I was sick, and I mean sick sick. It was not pleasant, I'm not sure if I had the stomach flu, or had food poisoning, or what. All I know was keeping solid food down was all but impossible, and I was confined to the bathroom for long periods of time sitting there emptying myself. It was not pleasant, it was painful, and my teeth still feel funny from the vomiting. It sucks even more because I had to miss work days, and frankly I need the money right now.

Incidentally when I get to work yesterday for the first time since I had been sick, I find out that I am still running all hosting shifts. Now I do not think I have mentioned this on this blog, but I am trying to go back to serving so I can make more money, because frankly I make a lot more money as a server than as a hostess. What is my manager's only excuse for this, "Oh, I forgot to put you in the system." Yes Alex, that is TOOOOTALLY forgivable that you would forget THREE WEEKS in a row, despite the fact that the host manager and I have asked you to do this multiple times. Yes, it is perfectly fine that you would fuck up the schedule as always and leave me out of it, at least my manager for hosting was good enough to give me my hosting shifts so I wasn't totally fucked. So here I am with another hosting weak, and if he forgets again I am going to go off the deep end, farking idiot.

But lets move on....

As for my name, tomorrow I am planning to go to the courthouse to put in my petition for a name change, so that I can finally live with my proper name. It is a long process, takes a total of about a month of time to do, but it is worth it. I hope it goes without a hitch, because frankly without this step my whole "going full time" plan for August is kaput. I still worry about it, but I am trying to stay calm and for the most part am doing all right in that department.

This is just something I have really wanted for a long time now and this is the next big step, so it is very important to me. After the name change is done I move on to getting a new social security card which takes fourteen days roughly, and then on to other records. Records such as my bank, my phone, and anything else that has my damned other name on it. Lastly I would let work know a little in advance, so that they could be prepared, and thankfully this state has protection for transsexuals in the employment non-discrimination act.

I made sure to get a copy of my work file and all of my write ups, few as there are, so that after I make the change I have some evidence. So if they try to tack on a lot of write ups for bullcrap reasons I can pull mine out and say "well its a little suspicious that they bothered me about this NOW". I hope not to have to pull that card, but you never know.

But enough about that...

While I was sick though, when I wasn't confined to bed but felt ok enough to do something other than sit on the toilet, I was playing dead space. I would like to state for the record that Dead Space is a scary as hell game, and it is more intense than any other survival horror game I have ever played. I mean the music was perfectly composed and placed, the lighting was just perfect, and the way they sprung things on you makes you paranoid while playing it, and trigger happy. Its a great and fun game, but damned if its not scary as hell. If you ever get a chance, play it, but you will be scared almost guaranteed.

But that about catches up to me and my life, as a Musician, as a Pagan, and as a Woman.

Blessed Be.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Telling Friends

Well I now only have two more of my high school friends to tell that I am trans, for I told one of my last remaining high school friends last night. He took it very well, even going so far as to be fairly inquisitive about the whole thing. He mainly just wanted to make sure it was all safe and that the risks were minimal, because he is my friend and he worries, thats what friends do. It is nice though that he took it well and is still talking to me and keeping touch, so his acceptance is not just a cover up of feelings.....sadly my dad isn't even being that kind of accepting.

I have two friends left to tell though, one who is in California at Berkley, and another who is currently living in either Virginia or Maryland, I cannot remember which. The last two might be the more difficult to convince, but hey, if they are my friends they will accept enough to know that this makes me happy and a more full and fulfilled human being. I am pretty sure they will be fine with it, in fact the only people I have told that have had problems with it......well is really only one person and that is my father.

Still no word on the Dad front, he is still helping me and talking to me, but he is still in denial about the whole thing. I guess the going full time might get him to finally deal with this, or he might go further into denial and either not talk to me or still treat me like "Robert" at which point I would start to ignore him due to my own impatience. It is not something I would be proud of but I can tend to get a bit problematic when I am angry.

I hope he can deal with it, because I really do want his approval. I mean I have always had my mother's approval, as long as I do not do something self destructive I know my mother is always there for me. She accepts me for who I am no matter who I am, and I know that I do not have to impress her or work for her approval or her pride, for she is always proud of me. My father on the other hand I have always wanted his approval and you have to work for it, although it is easier for me than it is for my brother for some reason. Either way this particular subject seems to be a sore point with my father, and he may never deal with it and I may have to come to terms with that fact.

I guess there is nothing I can do but wait and see what happens, and just live my life as a Musician, as a Pagan, and as a Woman.

Blessed Be

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Bloggin About Da Stuff

I was ordered to write a blog by my friend because I'm not putting enough posts on, so here I go.

lol, jk, love you Kota.

Just updating on life in general right now, my bf is here and that is wonderful, but that also has a whole list of other issues in my head. I am really happy to have him here, but I am also having some self image issues which is kinda sucking. I am having one of those times where i really REALLY wish I were post-op. Those hanging bits down there are grossing me out in a way I cannot properly explain, and despite being horny as hell, I cannot even contemplate sex right now.

I feel bad though because the bf is stuck pretty much taking care of his own hornyness because I am just never in the mood for sex. And when he makes me feel so wonderful all the time, I wish I could bring myself to return that to some small degree. But I just can't bring myself to do it, and it has nothing to do with him, because I have no issue having sex with him, I have an issue with myself.


Its really stupid too, because this shouldn't bother me because some day I will be post-op, but I just can't do it and I feel really bad. I can't even properly put into words how much I feel disgusted by myself, and if Chris reads this I know he will berate me for downing myself, he is such a sweetheart, I love him so much. He still can love me and make me feel happy despite how much I hate this body I am in, I do not know how he does it. I swear I have gotten lucky and gotten one of those few men in this world who are wonderful, and I don't ever want to lose him.

As for other things, well this month I want to get my name change done so I really legally am the name that I feel I am. It will cost me a pretty penny and take a good month, but it will be worth it, oh so very much.

I guess that is pretty much a lot of what has been going on, might type some more another day on various thoughts. It would be good to keep a better log of all of this online -shrugs- who knows. I'm just going to have to keep trying to live my life as a Musician, as a Pagan, as a Woman.

Blessed Be.