Thursday, September 30, 2010

Depressed, and Annoyed About It

These feelings of depression are getting really old, because they contradict what I know, and what is logical to me.

This happens every single Thursday, which is my sight singing class day, we do what normally happens in the class, and every time it just depresses me. I am sick of my voice, videos online don't help worth a damn, and I just need to figure it out myself. So basically I hate my voice along with my body, and it is just not a fun combination, but I know its all stupid.

I mean I feel disgusted with myself, and I feel like I do not deserve the friends I have, my bf, all these people in my life that make me so happy. It is all a product of my hatred of my body which has only gotten worse since I went full time. Now that I am living as the woman that I am I get self-conscious about everything, if my genitalia is ruining how my clothes look, and I KNOW I am not passing because I still get sired at work. Most of the not passing is from my voice, because I suck so very much at it, and it makes me wonder why the hell I got the bright idea of being a music major where my voice matters.


I also still have to tell my dad about me living full time as a woman, well my parents in general, but my dad is the one that will likely go off the deep end. So I am by no means looking forward to it, but it really needs to be done. I mean I can still use the health insurance they are paying for because my name change form will make it at least usable, but still who knows what he wants to do after knowing I'm full time as a woman.


Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Weird Dreams

So the other day I had a very odd, and to be honest very depressing dream, hasn't left me happy. In the dream I was at work, but the weird part was that I was 8-9 months pregnant, and it just felt so nice. Having kids is something I really really want to do, but I can never bear them myself because I happened to be born male. I try not to let it get to me, but sometimes it just really really depresses me, as the case was today when I was thinking about it.

I mean from my boyfriend's point of view its a benefit, he doesn't want kids and me not being able to have them makes that a lot easier. But when you really want to have them some day, and sometimes wish you could carry them yourself, its kinda saddening.


Blessed Be

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Yeah, I Know, I've Been Quiet

I'm a bad girl and you can spank me later for it, actually I might like that -giggle-.

Life has settled into normality for me with the whole full time thing, which is essentially the goal I was going after. I still haven't told my dad, though I really need to and I can't think of a way to talk about it with him. I might try and come up with something this weekend, idk, its really hard to deal with in my head.

But yeah, its nice to be called Rachel all the time, it feels good, though I do still get "sir'ed" at work all the time. Most of those seem to be deliberate and I mostly just ignore them, but I mean seriously, come on. I am dressed in womens clothing, I have jewelry on all of a feminine nature, a feminine haircut, I have makeup on, AND I HAVE BREASTS. People are stupid, they really are.

But yeah, I have really settled in well, work is going fine, no discrimination from my coworkers that I have noticed. I mostly get curiosity from my coworkers and similar responses, all in a positive way. Thankfully they are all starting to settle into it as well, to the point that I am starting to be who I am to them, its becoming normal slowly for my coworkers too. I would have to say that Full time has started with flying colors, which I am very happy about. Mostly I am just settling in, enjoying it, still need to make my voice sound better but its not high on my list of cares. I know who I am, those I care about know who I am, and my work is accepting. The only really awkward thing is Sight Singing for my theory class, which can be a little tough because singing outside your range is not only difficult but difficult to do in tune without sounding bad. idk, I'll work out the voice thing in time I guess.

So yeah, Full Time is going gloriously, life is wonderful, and I am happy.

Just need to tell my father.

Blessed Be

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Update on Full Time

Well its been a full four days living as a woman, and I would have to say its going pretty well. It really feels great to hear my name as Rachel over and over again, it feels right. I get to feel comfortable in what I wear and who I am, hearing the name that is mine instead of what I was born with. It is even going well at work, I hear my proper name, and other than one bitch that seemed to REALLY want to call me "sir". But fuck her, the rest is going awesomely, so I would have to say I am pretty happy with how things are going.

Also went into a women's restroom for the first time the other day, grant you the place was empty and at work, but yeah. When a girl's gotta go a girl's gotta go, and its a lot cleaner in there which is nice to say the least. One of my coworkers was curious which one I had used when I asked her not to seat me while I went to the bathroom, but wasn't bothered by the answer which was a good sign.

So overall I would say that things are going fairly well...

Blessed Be

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Shopping Rocked

Ok, so yesterday and the day before I went shopping for clothes with my friends, and it just farking rocked. I cant believe i spent 1400 dollars on clothing, I bought so much, but OMG most of it was sooooooo cute. I was exhausted by the time we were done each day because it took a while, but still it was just so awesome -dance-.

I think I have a good start to my wardrobe.

Blessed Be

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Out at Work.....Kinda

So the grapevine effect has begun, meaning that I have let it get out at work that I am trans. What this means is that the few people I was able to tell today are pretty much going to let everyone else know via the grapevine effect, ifn ya know what I mean. This is good and bad, for the grapevine effect can often mess with the truth of a matter, but I need it to get out that I'm trans. If all that is understood is that I am getting a sex change than what I needed said is said.

I will be letting it out more and more over the next 2 weeks before I go full time, so we shall see how it goes. So far I have been met only with curiosity, which is a good sign, so I am happy about that.

So far so good.

Work Time Post Meeting

Well tomorrow I have work, and it'll be the first day since I had my meeting with my manager, so I'm going to have to let my Trans out at work. Looks like I'm coming out at work for real now, having to let all my coworkers know. It will be interesting to say the least, but I will likely get a lot of questions tossed my way, which should be a blast "UGH".

It has to happen though, its necessary, better to get it done now than when I'm full time and a mess happens. So here we go.

On another note I have a new ID which is nice, but they do it oddly here. They give you a temporary ID that you use until they mail you the new one. I guess they did this so that there is less ID fraud, and now they don't have the licence making machines inside the DMV. That went rather well though now that I have that done.

Blessed Be

Monday, August 9, 2010

New ID

Well tomorrow I go to the dmv to get my new licence, just another step forward in my life, forward in my transition. Soon the last legal vestiges of my old name will be gone, and I can live my life as myself full time. Full time comes in just a few weeks, the 23rd, and it could not come soon enough. Sure things will be a little tough at first, but thats ok, soon everyone at work will know and not long after that I will get to be myself.

I cant wait

Blessed Be

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Manager Meeting Results

Well I had my meeting with my manager after my shift today, and I would have to say it went pretty farking well. The basics of it boiled down to that he would not put up with discrimination against me from anyone, much less a customer. He made it clear that when dealing with discrimination, the management, specifically him at the very least, will be behind me. He won't allow a customer to have a new server if they don't like "having a tranny as a server", if they have a problem he will ask them to leave.

I mean I expected him to be able to deal with this, but the fact that he is this accepting and supportive is nothing short of amazing. I know that my job is safe, at least in the realm of my transition, so I am pretty happy about it.

Blessed Be

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Meeting the Boss

I am meeting tomorrow with my general manager about my going full time at the end of the month, him and I will be discussing it. So far he seems to be pretty accepting, but then again that is just how he is, as long as his restaurant runs he is happy. He will be asking me questions and getting to understand just how my going full time will effect the restaurant. I have a feeling the meeting will go fairly well to be honest, but you never know. Once we have had this meeting the info about my going full time will trickle down the grapevine.

This is the part I'm not looking forward to, though its necessary. I will get a lot of weird and gross looks from coworkers, and I am not sure how my more religious (and I'm talking the type to take into creationist propaganda kind of religious) manager will deal with this. Thankfully I have the protection of the law, but I will be keeping all documents of proof of write ups and anything that affects me in my job.

Wish me luck everyone...

Blessed Be

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


Title pretty much says it all.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Past the Event Horizon

Well tonight, as my shift was ending, I left a letter to my General Manager explaining my transition, the date my Full Time begins, and what it entails for the restaurant. He does not work until Wednesday, but still the note is there in an envelope addressed to him. I hope he deals with it well, though I suspect he will for he is a reasonable professional human being. You never know what marine training can do to a person though, so I am prepared for the worst, mentally at least.

So now for the wait, I am past the point of no return on my full time, the Event Horizon if you will. I'm glad I did it too, and glad I did not chicken out, for this was a necessary step. If I had not done this now I would have not gotten around to it for weeks and that would have only complicated matters. I hope it is received well, but I will prepare myself for job searching if it does not, and possibly even court and the like. I do hope it does not come to that, for I prefer to have some faith in humanity, and our society has made great bounds over the last twenty-four years I have been alive.

Wish me the best.

Blessed Be

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Family, the Ones That Know You

Well, an odd happenstance, two of my greatest friends, people I like to call brother and sister, are going to be moving here with Chris and I soon. Come mid August is when it is going to happen, and I am very happy for it, because this is something I've wanted for a while. They have had tough lives, unaccepting parents, hard financial crisises, and to top it all off the house they had been living in that at the time was a godsend turned out to only drive them nuts. They miss their home of Portland, but after some discussion and checking average temperatures here, they decided to come here for now instead.

Its a lot cheaper to get here for them, they will have the support of friends here who love them and want to see them have a good life, they will have running water, a comfortable apartment, and a place to get their lives going again. I'm happy I will be able to do this for them, because those two have done so much for me in the past, emotionally and otherwise, that I feel this is the absolute least I could do. I care about them both because they are like family to me, and this family knows me for who I am and accepts me, and that right there is one of the most wonderful things in the world.

I hated to see them in the situation they were in, it hurt my heart every day I heard one more horrible thing. I thought "They don't deserve this crap, they are wonderful, loving, caring people and they just don't deserve this." So thus, given the opportunity, I want to make a difference in that, give them a safe and secure home here with me, show them some of the kindness they have given me.

So the fact that they are going to be here where I know my situation is fairly good, where I know they can have the support and presence of people they care about, this makes me very happy. To be able to give such good friends a safe and comfortable home will make me a lot more comfortable with their situation. If they eventually make it back home to Portland I am fine with that, I would rather be a safe stepping stone where they can at least get a good start going home, rather than them going straight there where they will have little support and will only barely make it there. I want them to make it home, if they do go back to Portland eventually, with jobs already, a safe home to live in, and with enough money for the trip.

I don't want to see them tossed into a worse situation than they had already been in, I am not going to allow it, not them. They deserve to be comfortable, happy, healthy, and safe, not in a home that doesn't even have the basic amenities.

Blessed Be

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Thoughts, and Wishes to Sleep

Well here I am trying to get tired for bed, thinking like I always do of transition, and my body hatred. Everyone tells me I'm beautiful....well those who understand at least....and I can never see it, all I see is the thing hanging between my legs, and the facial hair on my face. Its going away slowly, and one day I will have surgery to fix the down below, but still I depress over it, because here I am stuck.

So here I am on my computer when I should be in bed, not tired in the least mainly because I slept too much. What can you do I guess, I mean I know it is no one's fault that I was born this way, but it sucks major ass. I want to be whole, complete, feel like my body isn't just some disgusting thing I am forced to live in. My brain is like a high class woman forced to live in a low class slum and she isn't liking it one iota, in fact she is doing everything she can to get into the penthouses she wants so bad, but nothing seems to work.


Blessed Be

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Fourth of July and Thoughts

Well here we are in another fourth of July, another Independence day in the USA, and a lot is going through my mind.

On Independence day, well I know I have said many things about the government before, and I hate the war, but this country, despite its flaws, is truly great. It is a place that allows me the freedom to transition, move my life forward on a course that I enjoy. The beautiful part is that this country will continue to live on and allow the little people to live their lives well. We have the freedom to think what we wish, and say what we wish without fear of retribution, and that is something not all countries give their citizens.

So happy birthday America, and thank you for letting this sometimes thankless woman have her freedom.

On to other things though, thoughts that have seem to go through my head all day, specifically about my father. With full time getting closer and closer, I know I am going to have to talk to my parents about it soon. Of course I worry, but I know it won't stop me from going full time, its just I do care about my father and I do want to have my family in my life after I become myself. It will be a difficult time in my life, I know, but at least I have all my wonderful friends and significant other who will be able to help me through it, regardless of the results.

But there is a little peak into my mind, hope it didn't break yours.

Blessed Be

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Laundry and Relaxation

I will say this much, with the roomies living with me laundry day sucks just that little bit less. We play magic the gathering while we wait on the laundry, and in general just hang out. I get less bored, less lonely, and the time seems to go that much faster. Needless to say that I am enjoying it to the fullest.

If you haven't guessed its laundry day and we just finished lol.

Other than that I am mostly just relaxing and doing nothing really, sitting around bored and not really wanting to do anything constructive. I am likely going to be logging onto WoW tonight just to get some of the midsummer achievement stuff done, because I am not missing out on that, I want my damned Drake.

Still wish I could get over my self image issues and have some damned sex, because gods know I am horny enough. Maybe my sexual side will just take over some day soon and I will jump chris, who knows, but for now it is still stopping me -grumble- surgery cannot come soon enough.

Blessed Be

Friday, June 18, 2010

It is nice to have a DND group again

Ever since Vinny passed away I have not been able to play much in the way of dungeons and dragons, until recently. Roleplaying and DnD are major staples in my life, games of this nature allow me to play in a fun world with close friends. It was something Vinny, Amber, and I did a lot of when he was alive. I missed it a lot, and I especially still miss his style, I have a lot of great memories role playing with him and his wife for star wars or DnD.

Well since Chris and the other two have moved here I have rebuilt my game group, and while their style of playing is each very different from either Vinny or Amber's, they are still fun. I am DMing the current game we are running, and it is a bunch of fun, I am running a changeling mage as my character that I am running while DMing. It is nice to bring this activity back into my life on a regular basis, for it is something I love to do and spend time on.

Its so nice to do this again

Blessed Be

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Name Change

Well my name change petition was placed in the courthouse of my county as of Tuesday June 15, 2010. I am stuck waiting a month for it to be official, but the petition is in, so thats another step taken care of in my life. I am going back to the courthouse on July 19 to pick up the final paperwork that will allow me to go around and have my name legally changed at the security...etc.

It is a major step for me, and I am glad the petition is in, for while I have some minor worries that the petition may be denied, it does feel nice that it is in. I don't have to worry that I am getting it in too late, its in and thats something I do not have to worry about. To be completely honest I doubt that the petition will be denied, there is really no legal reason the judge would have to deny, unless its because I am trans in which case that would be discrimination which leads to many more FUN things -sarcasm-.

Either way, petition is in and thats that.

Also, I have made a choice to work on my drawing, something I have always wished I could do proficiently. I mean I can do basic things, but my actual skills for real life drawing are nil at best. And I do not wish to do Anime style drawing, I know many of those who can, and I want to make things that seem a little bit more real. I want to create a face, a hand, a body, create a facsimile of life and bring form and soul to it. Especially in the case of fantasy/scifi drawings, it would be nice to bring some realism to the pieces.

Incidentally I did call my electrolysis today and set up an appointment for Monday, so I will finally be getting back to getting rid of facial hair. It has been about a year since my last electrolysis appointment, and I really want this facial hair gone badly. It is something I hate, and shaving is just a pain in the butt and in the end grows back anyway. I want it gone, I want it gone fast, and just don't want to deal with it anymore.

Also, might be off my parent's health insurance until September due to asshole company and new law not taking effect until then. It seems because the law stating they have to keep me on until 27 wont come out until September, and I am 24 at the moment, they decided to drop me without a warning, not even bothering to tell my parents that they were dropping it until they already had.

Yeah, thanks assholes, thank you for the warning. Would have been nice to know it were happening so I could figure out my options BEFORE I lost the insurance. So now I am basically fucked for the moment on that front, I mean my father is going to talk to them, but to be honest I am not hopeful. I might be able to get on the Iowa state insurance for those months, but I am not even 100% sure of that. Although it is going to suck when I go full time, especially if my father has issues with my living as a woman, I might just get screwed on the insurance anyway.

But thats a little peak into my life as a Musician, as a Pagan, as a Woman.

Blessed Be.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Names, Being Sick, and Scary Video Games

Well this has certainly been an interesting week for me, and the title of this particular entry pretty much says it all. I was sick, in the worst possible way, working on my name change, and also playing a scary video game. Grant you that doesn't say very much, but it gives you a general idea.

Tuesday afternoon, through Friday night, I was sick, and I mean sick sick. It was not pleasant, I'm not sure if I had the stomach flu, or had food poisoning, or what. All I know was keeping solid food down was all but impossible, and I was confined to the bathroom for long periods of time sitting there emptying myself. It was not pleasant, it was painful, and my teeth still feel funny from the vomiting. It sucks even more because I had to miss work days, and frankly I need the money right now.

Incidentally when I get to work yesterday for the first time since I had been sick, I find out that I am still running all hosting shifts. Now I do not think I have mentioned this on this blog, but I am trying to go back to serving so I can make more money, because frankly I make a lot more money as a server than as a hostess. What is my manager's only excuse for this, "Oh, I forgot to put you in the system." Yes Alex, that is TOOOOTALLY forgivable that you would forget THREE WEEKS in a row, despite the fact that the host manager and I have asked you to do this multiple times. Yes, it is perfectly fine that you would fuck up the schedule as always and leave me out of it, at least my manager for hosting was good enough to give me my hosting shifts so I wasn't totally fucked. So here I am with another hosting weak, and if he forgets again I am going to go off the deep end, farking idiot.

But lets move on....

As for my name, tomorrow I am planning to go to the courthouse to put in my petition for a name change, so that I can finally live with my proper name. It is a long process, takes a total of about a month of time to do, but it is worth it. I hope it goes without a hitch, because frankly without this step my whole "going full time" plan for August is kaput. I still worry about it, but I am trying to stay calm and for the most part am doing all right in that department.

This is just something I have really wanted for a long time now and this is the next big step, so it is very important to me. After the name change is done I move on to getting a new social security card which takes fourteen days roughly, and then on to other records. Records such as my bank, my phone, and anything else that has my damned other name on it. Lastly I would let work know a little in advance, so that they could be prepared, and thankfully this state has protection for transsexuals in the employment non-discrimination act.

I made sure to get a copy of my work file and all of my write ups, few as there are, so that after I make the change I have some evidence. So if they try to tack on a lot of write ups for bullcrap reasons I can pull mine out and say "well its a little suspicious that they bothered me about this NOW". I hope not to have to pull that card, but you never know.

But enough about that...

While I was sick though, when I wasn't confined to bed but felt ok enough to do something other than sit on the toilet, I was playing dead space. I would like to state for the record that Dead Space is a scary as hell game, and it is more intense than any other survival horror game I have ever played. I mean the music was perfectly composed and placed, the lighting was just perfect, and the way they sprung things on you makes you paranoid while playing it, and trigger happy. Its a great and fun game, but damned if its not scary as hell. If you ever get a chance, play it, but you will be scared almost guaranteed.

But that about catches up to me and my life, as a Musician, as a Pagan, and as a Woman.

Blessed Be.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Telling Friends

Well I now only have two more of my high school friends to tell that I am trans, for I told one of my last remaining high school friends last night. He took it very well, even going so far as to be fairly inquisitive about the whole thing. He mainly just wanted to make sure it was all safe and that the risks were minimal, because he is my friend and he worries, thats what friends do. It is nice though that he took it well and is still talking to me and keeping touch, so his acceptance is not just a cover up of feelings.....sadly my dad isn't even being that kind of accepting.

I have two friends left to tell though, one who is in California at Berkley, and another who is currently living in either Virginia or Maryland, I cannot remember which. The last two might be the more difficult to convince, but hey, if they are my friends they will accept enough to know that this makes me happy and a more full and fulfilled human being. I am pretty sure they will be fine with it, in fact the only people I have told that have had problems with it......well is really only one person and that is my father.

Still no word on the Dad front, he is still helping me and talking to me, but he is still in denial about the whole thing. I guess the going full time might get him to finally deal with this, or he might go further into denial and either not talk to me or still treat me like "Robert" at which point I would start to ignore him due to my own impatience. It is not something I would be proud of but I can tend to get a bit problematic when I am angry.

I hope he can deal with it, because I really do want his approval. I mean I have always had my mother's approval, as long as I do not do something self destructive I know my mother is always there for me. She accepts me for who I am no matter who I am, and I know that I do not have to impress her or work for her approval or her pride, for she is always proud of me. My father on the other hand I have always wanted his approval and you have to work for it, although it is easier for me than it is for my brother for some reason. Either way this particular subject seems to be a sore point with my father, and he may never deal with it and I may have to come to terms with that fact.

I guess there is nothing I can do but wait and see what happens, and just live my life as a Musician, as a Pagan, and as a Woman.

Blessed Be

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Bloggin About Da Stuff

I was ordered to write a blog by my friend because I'm not putting enough posts on, so here I go.

lol, jk, love you Kota.

Just updating on life in general right now, my bf is here and that is wonderful, but that also has a whole list of other issues in my head. I am really happy to have him here, but I am also having some self image issues which is kinda sucking. I am having one of those times where i really REALLY wish I were post-op. Those hanging bits down there are grossing me out in a way I cannot properly explain, and despite being horny as hell, I cannot even contemplate sex right now.

I feel bad though because the bf is stuck pretty much taking care of his own hornyness because I am just never in the mood for sex. And when he makes me feel so wonderful all the time, I wish I could bring myself to return that to some small degree. But I just can't bring myself to do it, and it has nothing to do with him, because I have no issue having sex with him, I have an issue with myself.


Its really stupid too, because this shouldn't bother me because some day I will be post-op, but I just can't do it and I feel really bad. I can't even properly put into words how much I feel disgusted by myself, and if Chris reads this I know he will berate me for downing myself, he is such a sweetheart, I love him so much. He still can love me and make me feel happy despite how much I hate this body I am in, I do not know how he does it. I swear I have gotten lucky and gotten one of those few men in this world who are wonderful, and I don't ever want to lose him.

As for other things, well this month I want to get my name change done so I really legally am the name that I feel I am. It will cost me a pretty penny and take a good month, but it will be worth it, oh so very much.

I guess that is pretty much a lot of what has been going on, might type some more another day on various thoughts. It would be good to keep a better log of all of this online -shrugs- who knows. I'm just going to have to keep trying to live my life as a Musician, as a Pagan, as a Woman.

Blessed Be.

Monday, May 24, 2010

I has a Chris

So on my trip back I picked up my boyfriend, and I have some nice alone time with him before we grab his other roomies to move them here. Its been nice to cuddle up and have my own time with him, makes me a happy woman.

Also I told my brother about my being trans and he took it wonderfully, which is how I pretty much thought it was going to happen. My brother is a reasonable human being who cares about me, he doesn't want to rule my life like my father seems to want to do. Either way my brother is just happy to be my sibling, and to always be my friend.

So life goes well in the life of me, as a Musician, as a Pagan, as a Woman.

Blessed Be

Thursday, May 13, 2010



lol, Its silly I know, but I really had to say this because I am excited about it. I just checked out my grades for this last semester and I got all B's which makes me really happy because that bodes well for my GPA. I thought I was going to get a C on one of them, but surprise surprise, I still got a B on Group Piano which I am totally excited about.

-does her little dance-

Just had to say that...

Blessed Be

I Feel Cute Today

So last night I went over to my friend Bekky's dorm for some general hang out time and some overall girlishness, it was fun. Essentially we are in the same ball park of size, other than the fact of her large breasts, and I was trying on some of her clothes. It was over all a fun time, and I got to feel really girlie and cute for a while, and got to go home with some of them hehe.

She gave me a Red T-shirt, a pair of Grey Corduroy Pants, a pair of Plaid Shorts, and a cute Sun-dress. So I feel super cute, I am wearing the pants and the t-shirt, and it is a good feeling I have to say. Soonish I will be getting more clothing from good-will, when I get more money, but this is a wonderful start and I like feeling cute.

So here is just another step closer to living my life, As a Musician, As a Pagan, As a Woman...

Blessed Be

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Out at work....kinda

Well it has come out today that I have a boyfriend at work, and this is a good thing because I am the one who let it out. I am sick of hiding things so I am slowly going to let things about my life come out so I don't feel like a liar. Grant you now most of these people will think I'm gay because of this, and while they are half right, still its not quite there. Most of them thought I was gay anyway so it really isn't a change of pace, hell when I was talking about going out with someone and had not mentioned gender yet, one of them was asking about Chris and referring to him as he before she even knew the gender. This tells me she thought I was gay to begin with, and you know I really do not care what they think, I am just sick of hiding things and having to watch what I say for fear of something little getting out.

So this is a good thing, now I do not have to worry about as many things, and as far as I am concerned soonish I will be able to let out that I am trans. So at least I am having some progress at work, as a Musician, as a Pagan, as a Woman.

Blessed Be

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Trip and a Violin

Well here in a few weeks, around the time of my birthday, I am going to visit my parents for a multitude of reasons. I am looking forward to this trip, as well as not looking forward to this trip, its an oddly complex set of emotions. I mean I love seeing my parents, but always when I do it brings up complicated emotions. So there are good and bad things about this trip.

The Good:

Well first off my father is giving me one of his cars to replace my ford which has been going downhill for the past 2-3 years. I mean it still runs, but there is a good chance it is not going to be doing that for much longer. The car may not be much younger than my ford, but it was garage kept and well kept by a good owner for ten years. It was well treated so it is still in fairly good shape despite a few small hiccups.

Next my father is also giving me a new violin, it is one he found on craigslist for a very good price. It is an eighty year old violin from Japan, and it is apparently in very good shape and has a nice mellow soft sound to it, which would be good. My violin has a very ballzy, projecting, and loud sound, which I love, but it will be nice to have another that has a more quiet sound for appropriate pieces. I am looking forward to that greatly, because it is just more ways for me to musically experiment.

Lastly I am getting a bike for use in town, which is awesome.

The Bad:

My dad is still in denial over me being trans, and it just doesn't seem to be going anywhere, and my breasts are becoming harder and harder to hide. I might just tape the nipples down so it stops poking out so much, I don't need my dad to flip out on me when I'm so far from home. I have a feeling it will just be awkward soon, I am planning on going full time some time in august if I can. I have a feeling he will not deal with this well.

I want to tell my brother though while I am down there, let him know I'm trans. I'll prolly take him for a walk around town away from my dad, so my dad doesn't butt in and cause a problem. My brother I am fairly certain will deal with it well, despite his similarities to my father, he is a much more progressive person. My brother loves me, I know that, and I have a feeling he will be fine with it. I just have to get him away from my father.

But I guess this is all a part of living my life as a Musician, as a Pagan, as a Woman.

Blessed Be

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Pretty Music

So we worked on Pedal work in Group Piano today, and did so through a piece called dream echo's. It is very pretty, not hard to play, and I just love the echoey sound of it. Thats pretty much it, love listening to it and playing it.

Rachel signing out....

Friday, April 23, 2010

Teachers Can be Cruel

Yeah, so the other day I had a test....I did not do so well but yeah, thats not quite the point. The main point is how the professor referred to me, as having done very poorly. The disdain was quite evident, and I have decided that this particular professor is quite cruel. I mean she is a wonderful accompanist and a great pianist, but she really has little to no respect for her students. She has a tendency to single those out that she does not feel are doing well and basically attack them until they get better. One of the students in my class dropped it because of the way this professor was treating her.

It really leads me to wonder how she still teaches, because this is not conducive to a good learning atmosphere. She is pushing students away that want to learn, you are supposed to encourage and support your students, not demean them. Its like the second you don't keep up with her standards she takes it like you are insulting her, and she treats you like crap for it.

Well I am going to show this bitch, and I am going to prove her wrong, it will take some work, but seriously, she needs to show her students some respect. Sure I could have practiced more, but I also have other things in my life, my violin practice, homework for all my other classes, there is a lot in my life I am doing. I mean piano competency is just one small part of a music degree and she is treating it like its some factory designed to put quality pianists out. Not everyone can keep up to your standards, and if they aren't, your supposed to support them not treat them like scum under your feet. You are not better than us, you are just more skilled, so stop acting so damned superior.

Fucking Bitch....

Monday, April 19, 2010

Wine Makes me Tired

Yeah, I have to stop drinking wine at night, I gets super tired, right now I am about to faceboard. For those of you who do not know that means I am about to pass out with my face landing on my keyboard. Leaves you with funny marks on your face when you wake up in the shape of your keys.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Tired and Cooking

Ok, so I got home from my support group meeting, really was just a few of us and we talked for fun and watched a documentary. I wasn't that tired yet so I slid a lasagna into the oven, but it takes a while, and now I feel like I'm about to pass out. I have to keep an eye on the food in the oven so I don't burn the place down. Stupid tiredness....

Monday, April 12, 2010

Hormones and Being a Woman

Yeah, I love being a woman, and all that entails, but really the hormones can get on my nerves sometimes. I mean they are helping me become the woman I am, my skin feels softer, i finally am having some decent breast growth. I am feeling more and more like a woman every day, but yeah crazy stuff happens. I take injected hormones so it creates a hormonal cycle, and supposedly it helps the effect of the hormones. It makes it so my body handles it in cycles instead of becoming desensitized to it thus slowing growth.

It also gives me a period.....

I know, I don't have a uterus and I don't bleed once a month, but the rest of it is still there. When i first take the shot every month, within the first couple days I'm hornier than a desert lizard. And it just doesn't go away, I stay horny until a few days later when it finally settles down. It all stays normal for a while and no big deal until it gets to the last week before my next shot.

That last week I always feel all hormonal....or lack thereof....either way I get all moody, gasey, little cramps here and there. I definitely get PMSey, going off the handle at the slightest thing, whether that be anger or just breaking down and crying. I feel ugly, like I'll never be a true woman, like I am some sick freak. I just hate myself during this time, and just about anything sets me off, and its just really hard to focus.

If you didn't get the hint from the ranting, I'm in the latter time at the moment and I'm on the verge of tears. I feel stupid for being all emotional over nothing, but I guess thats the price for being a woman. I may be all emotional right now, but over all I am very happy with myself as I go, I may wish it would go faster but I am happy. I feel the mask coming off slowly, and it is a nice feeling to be free of the oppression of the fake male persona I had created.

I may have had crazy chocolate cravings before (I do love chocolate) but now I KNOW why women eat it when they are helps.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Been a While

I noticed today that it has been a while since I have posted here in my blog, so might as well update.

Lots have been going on lately, especially since my last post. Sadly there is good news and bad news.

Here is the good news:

For one I made the discovery that instead of being a Lesbian like I thought I was, I am bisexual, guess it was kind of a come to terms moment for me. I just realized that gender didn't matter to me, it was who is inside that matters to me. Its something that I have noticed has been a part of me, I just never acknowledged it, but hey that is life.

On the same note I also have a boyfriend, he is a big sweetheart and I'm glad to have him, its just really nice to have someone care for you on that level. He is wonderful, sweet, caring, thoughtful, and pays attention to the little details. He visited a few weeks ago, and the week long he was here was just wonderful. I had him there to cuddle me, and in general make me feel like the woman that I am, it was bliss. Hopefully in June he'll move here so I get to see him all the time instead of just the one visit. He'll probably be bringing his roomies, which will be cool, I'll have people around me again which will be great.

Here is the bad news:

My friend Vinny passed away Jan 24 2010, at the age of 32, of a heart attack. The first weeks after were pretty rough, because he is not my first friend to pass too early, leaving me behind to grieve. I will miss him greatly, but I have to be here for his wife and kids who he left behind. They are like my nephews, and I want to do everything I can for them, because Vinny's memory deserves at least that much.

We kind of always knew he would have another heart attack, but when it actually happens it sucks beyond really explaining. He was like a brother to me, and it will probably take some time before I am completely over it. But I have his boys to think about, they need people more than ever now, because they can't have him anymore.

I miss you Vinny, and no one can ever really replace you in this world. I love you like a brother, and rest in peace knowing I'm here for your wife and your sons. They miss you too, and they will always love you, and I'll make sure the boys grow up knowing about you too, I know your wife will.

I gotta stop outliving my friends though, this is really beginning to suck, first Austin, now Vinny, who else is going to pass on me too early, before they could live their life. I guess all you can do is move on, and hope you have more good times with those you still have. -sigh-