Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Hand Problems Again

I fucking hate my hands sometimes, they are so damned frustrating.  I was practicing my violin today, yknow just standard stuff, and I cannot do anything, my hands won't cooperate.  They ache, and they just aren't doing what I want them to do, and the true problem is that this is not an uncommon occurrence.  My hands just will be sore for no damned reason, swelling up and not doing what I wan't and it frustrates the hell out of me and depresses me.

I'm a fucking musician, and my hands fail me, I mean if I believed in any deities or supernatural shit I would think I am the butt of some cosmic joke.  People wonder why I am an Atheist, and the primary reason is lack of evidence, but here is just another one that bugs me.  If any such "loving deity" existed I would not have this problem with my hands.  It is a capricious being that creates someone to love music and playing an instrument with all their heart, it is their true passion, and then make it so their hands betray them.

And any of you Christians give me that "gods plan" bullshit, FUCK THE HELL OFF.  Any god that would fuck with the hands of someone who wants nothing more than to play music is FUCKING EVIL.  They are not all good, not all loving, they are a capricious fucking bully.  Such a god has no fucking place being worshiped, such a god should be revolted, and spit upon.

Sorry, things like this frustrate me, and my hands just keep having these problems, and of course the RA test came back negative.  I am going to keep talking to doctors about it, maybe find something that works that will keep my hands from destroying and taking away the one true beautiful thing I can add to this dismal world.  My hands are the portal to everything that makes me me, and they have to fail me and betray me all the time, I could get so much farther if it weren't for this.  I could spend hours practicing instead of only being able to put in an hour, I could become an amazing and wonderful violinist, bringing true beauty to this world.  But no, my hands have to fuck up on me and say "fuck you Rachel, you can't go after your dreams."

Fucking fuck.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

New Blog

Just put myself a new blog together just for posting about my gaming, on Warhammer and other mini-wargames. So I hope to get lots of info and pictures up on there about my armies and lists and all the like when I get started like that.  Just thought I would mention it here for anyone who wants to follow info about my warhammer stuff.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Projects, Painting and Patience

Yeah, I know, horrible alliteration, but hey I'm bored and thought it would be fun to have a little alliteration for my post.  But, now on to the fun.

Mostly just finishing school stuff up, not having to work is crazy and nice at the same time.  Mostly just finishing up a few projects, some extra credit, and a few assignments, and they are all coming along nicely.  In fact after Wednesday I will only have two finals and one project to do and I am done for the semester.  The final project is more of an experiment and it is coming along well enough.  I'll be done taking data down for that on wednesday, then its do research, use the data, and write the paper to accompany it.

So that covers the Projects.

Painting is coming along slow for my tyranid army, just been having trouble motivating myself with it, painting alone can get a little boring.  When I have people to talk to and listen to though, it goes along well and I enjoy doing it.  As it is two of my warriors have their skin painted and are ready for drybrushing of the various skin colours that I know I have mentioned before.  Just need to paint the skin up on the one, and then do the skin sections of the weapon arms, after that time for drybrushing.

So that covers the Painting.

Ah the hardest one, patience, and of course im referring to my wait on my move, which i wish would just come faster.  Bleh, its just kinda stressful, being here wishing I was there with them, worrying about them as they have their own issues to deal with.  Bleh, this move just needs to come already, would make things a whole lot easier.

Those are my thoughts, thought I would unload them.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


So yesterday I got a call from my mom not ten minutes after chatting with her and having a bunch of fun, that my grandmother had died.  So that had left me in a very melancholy mood most of yesterday, but when I was able to sit down and think about it, I thought that it was a good thing.  Its sad that she is gone, and I love my grandma and I miss her very much but things have been very hard for her.

Ten years ago my grandpa, her husband, had died of a heart attack in his sleep, and she had been going downhill ever since.  She had always had medical problems, diabetes and lactose-intolerance being two of the few medical issues she had, and she just got worse.  She started going senile after he died, not remembering who she was, or who her children or grandchildren were.  And when she fell a few months ago and broke a bone, she just hadn't been healing well and was in pain and bedridden.

So yes, I am very sad my grandma is gone, and I am going to miss her a whole lot, but at least she isn't in pain anymore.  She was having a very hard life, being without her husband of fifty years for ten years, she outlasted the average, I have heard most people don't outlive their spouses by five years at that age.  So in the end I am happy she is finally no longer in pain, not having to live every day without remembering hardly anything of her long and wonderful life.  I am happy for the years and the time I have had with her, and I love my grandma very much, so I am happy her pain is finally over.

Kind of difficult to be consoling to my parents though, because they believe in a deity, and I do not, they believe in an afterlife and I do not.  So my parents are saying "she is in a better place" and "she is with grandpa now", and all I can do is just mumble in mock agreement.  I am not going to say anything, I don't want to do that to my parents, but its just hard to talk about it with them with such a fundamental difference in belief.  They know I am an Atheist, but when you are in grief these are the things you go through, you want to think they are in a better place, and I am happy that that makes my parents more comfortable.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Gotta wait a bit longer.

Well it seems my parents have to push the move date up a few weeks, which really sucks because I am just itching to be out there in Washington.  I want to be with my partners so bad, and its not that I don't appreciate talking to them all the time on Skype and Yahoo all the time.  It is just I want that physical contact so bad, and it isn't even about the sex, just some cuddling and physical affection is what I am desiring.

Doesn't help that the more talkative of my partners, her computer just fried so I will probably not get to talk to her much until it is fixed which really sucks.  I will just keep talking to them as I can and try to keep a positive attitude until I move.  The move will be a few weeks later than I had wanted due to issues on my parent's end, which had me depressed for a little bit, but what can you do.  I just want the move to come already so I can be with them, thats my main desire right now.

Will be done at this Olive Garden next Sunday, which will give me plenty of time to catch up on school readings, projects and studying.  I will also try to set myself on a better practice schedule for violin and get some painting done on my tyranid swarm, mwahahahahhahaa.

Just trying to stay positive, and get ready for the move.

Friday, March 25, 2011

New Lolita Dress

So my petticoat came in for my lolita dress and I finally took pictures of it, and I feel like such a pretty princess right now.  Seriously, I feel all super pretty and I love this dress so much, so amazing.  I don't ever wanna take this dress off.

So YAY...

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Just Bloggin

Just kinda blogging and writing some stuff down because I can, and because I am bored out of my mind.

Warhammer army is coming along wonderfully, I love how it is turning out, and getting a lot of praise from my 40k mentors Cami and Jenn.  Both of your encouragement is really helping a lot and I love how everything is turning out.  Right now I need to paint the scything talons to look like they are crystals, and once that is done all I have left is carapace touch-up and that brood will be finished.  I will link below this paragraph the link to my album of pictures of the work in progress of all this.  So take a look and tell me what you think.

As for other things, mostly I am just getting ready for my move to Washington, which is coming closer and closer, for which I am super excited.  I'll get to be with my partners, which will be just absolutely wonderful, and tons of gaming, coastal state so I can visit beaches in summer.  There will be skiing in winter and in general it will be a whole lot of fun.  I am going to miss being around all my friends here in Iowa, but this will be a good move for my life and I am looking forward to it.  Thankfully all my close friends are all internet dorks like me and I can still keep in touch like I have with all my High School friends and the like.  So I am not really leaving them behind, merely relocating, but my feelings for my friends and the caring I have for them will not change.

-hugs for all her friends-

So hopefully my GM works tomorrow and I will give him the phone number and address of the Olive Garden I will be transferring to, so he can get in touch.  Hopefully I will have everything setup by the time move day comes, and I hope everything on my parent's end works out too so they can get the hell out of Tennessee.  I will set my last day at this Olive Garden for the second Sunday in April, which will allow me to focus on my music, and my school, so that I can end this semester on a high note, and fix all the damage I did to my GPA last semester.

Also I will be selling a lot of my furnature, my desks specifically will be the ones sold so that I take up as little room in the moving truck as humanly possible.  I might media mail my books and the like over to my partners so those will be a few less boxes to take along with me in the moving truck.  We'll see how that goes, but looking on the USPS main website it seems that they are pretty cheap, with a maximum price of $30 for a 70 pound max package.  I can afford to send my books like that, so I think I will just for the sake of saving a few hundred on a smaller truck.  I will probably try to take some boxes home from work for carrying of books tomorrow, just so that I have stuff to put all my books in, and then I will just tear up my falling apart book cases.  I will keep the Pathfinder books unpacked until move day because Steven, James, and I are using them to play lately, so no use packing them.  It's only four books, and I can afford to pack those late and just take them with me, I mean its just four books.

So life is overall good, just a lot to do in the up and coming months.  Wish me luck oh few readers of mine, love you all.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Weddings and Shoulders

So tomorrow I go to Kota and dev's wedding, and I just cannot wait to see this, because its been a long time coming. I am really happy for them, they should have been married years ago, and I am happy they are finally in a place where they can. It may be a small ceremony, but thats pretty meaningful to me, going to be tons of friends around, people we all care about. They deserve this, so I am pretty fraking excited.

On the other hand had to miss work today because I did something to my shoulder and I have no idea what. All I know is I was fine before work yesterday, but during the shift something happened, I have no idea what, and now my shoulder is killing me. Went to take off my undershirt at the end of the night, and when I did my shoulder just exploded in pain, ugh. It only got worse by the next day, ie today, and I had to call in or it would have been bad. I mean I was woken up two hours early to my shoulder exploding again, I cannot lift anything. So whats on the agenda for today, watching stuff, relaxing, and giving my shoulder a break to heal so it doesn't get worse.

I have been missing a ton of work days this year, and I am not happy about it. I mean I don't like my job, but when I miss a shift it really irks me. I have always prided myself on being to work no matter what, only calling out when I absolutely have to. Sadly this year that has been the case, first it was sickness, then the car, now my shoulder. This is not a good year for my body, it does not like me, lol.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Car Troubles

Well my drive to work was fun, hit an ice patch on the way to work, spun out and hit the center rail of the road. Mostly have aesthetic damage on my car, but my lights are borked and so is my bumper cover. Kinda shook me up though, but I went into super control mode, and guided my spin as best I could, I think I did a pretty good job. But yeah, didn't get to work thanks to this though, couldn't even get there.

This week has really been a whole bunch of crap, I miss tons of shifts thanks to being sick, and now this happens on the day I can ACTUALLY work. Fucking bullshit week.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Sick Sucks

So I have one of the nastiest combinations of yuck going on in my body these past two days. I am feverish, with head sweats regularly, nauseous whenever I eat or drink anything (water is the least bothersome though), my nose will fill up to the point of the inability to breathe, and then the next minute it decides to empty out and be so dry my nose bleeds. This is the epitome of suck, my stomach is bothering me and I cannot breathe properly without being in some sort of pain. What the hell did I catch, don't know what it is, but damned if it doesn't suck balls.

Bleh, I feel like I'm going to hurl, and a headache is also forming every little bit.


Wishing it were May

Yknow, they say time flies when your having fun, and while I am having fun I wish it would fly faster, because I want it to be may. May is when I am moving to Washington, and I am really looking forward to it to be honest, I really want it to happen. In general its going to be a good move for my life, and I am always one to embrace change for the better.

Idk, Iowa is just so boring, and while I have friends here, and I love them all, I need to do this for me. I hate to leave them all behind, I have met some great people, and made some great progress in my life. The problem is I'm getting bored out of my mind and Video Gaming isn't interesting me as much anymore. My focus seems to be on tabletop gaming for the most part, I really wanna play more DND, Magic, and Warhammer, and I just cannot do those here on a regular basis.

So I am looking forward to being with my two friends I am moving in with out there, it will be nice to have the company and a DND group in house that can play more often than just once in a while. In general it will be nice to have them around, because while I have "roommates" here, the odd setup does some weird things for my emotional state. I am a complex girl, what can I say.

So for the next month, I will be working on getting my application into the new college, and find out what I am going to need to do to get that all situated. I will have to send them a whole new transcript from this college, and work on the transfer credits. Thankfully this semester I will be done with all of my Liberal Arts Core of my degree, and that pretty much transfers universally. It should not be too hard, but it is still something on my list of crap to do. Also eventually I need to contact the Olive Garden in Spokane, and setup my transfer as soon as I possibly can. That will take a load off my shoulders when I do that, because once the school and work stuff are set, its just a matter of moving. Hopefully I will get it all done soon so that when may does come, I will be ready and rearing to go, just load up the truck and go.

Wish me luck everyone.

Thursday, February 10, 2011


Gotta love when someone you thought loved you completely betrays you and won't even give you the common decency to tell you why. So a friend of mine, I have found out, has been ignoring my texts, because the last two times we talked I was on one of my superhorny moments and it made her uncomfortable. I understand that, I can get pretty bad some days, and I feel bad about that, but at least fucking tell me. I mean when this is someone that you have tried to show love and affection for for years, and then just because of a few times ignores you. This is like the biggest form of betrayal for me, I mean if she had told me it was making her uncomfortable, and I ignored that then I totally get that. But no, she doesn't even bother to tell me this, and just leaves me wondering if she even gives a shit about me anymore.

Things like this really hurt, because I try my best to dedicate myself to my friends, show them affection, love, and understanding. Sure I fuck up now and again, and I try to make up for it, I mean we aren't fucking perfect, but I expect those close to me to show me at least some general respect enough to tell me when I've done something wrong. I mean this really hurt, because this basically told me "I don't respect you enough, nor do I care enough about you to tell you you did something that bothered me, so I'm going to ignore you because of something you didn't know you did.". It is total fucking bullshit.

I mean you don't do that to someone you love, you don't treat them like that. I mean when I found out about this all I could do was cry, it felt like my heart had been ripped out and stomped on like a useless piece of shit. Most of the times I have texted her I am just reaching out and trying not to feel so alone, but apparently my feelings don't mean anything to her, she is just content to ignore me and make me wonder what the fuck I did wrong. At least now I know what kind of person she is, and why she has not been talking to me.

Fucking Bitch...

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Warhammer Modelling Tools

Well I got my full set of tools and paints and I am ready to go with making my Tyranid army, I also picked up a brood of warriors to go with it today. So yeah, I have a decent start to my Tyranid Army, some good tools to work with, I'll just get a tacklebox to keep all the stuff in nice and safe for when I am not using it. Hopefully I'll find one that fits the bamboo thingie that holds my paint brushes, I should be able to find one pretty easy that fits my needs.

So I should get started with my army soon, this is what I have so far:

1 Carnifex (this will become a Tervigon)
1 Box Hormagaunts
1 Box Termagaunts
3 Tyranid Warriors

I think I have a decent start, and they will be stone carapaced (with crystals growing out of them), and magma skinned tyranid. I am really looking forward to the finished product and I think it will look amazing.

Tell me what you all think

Monday, January 31, 2011

So I wanna try new clothing.

So yeah, someone on the Susan's Place staff got me hooked on a style of clothing that I really wanna try out and see if I like it. The style is referred to as Goth Lolita, and while its a bit fancy and extravagant, I so want to do it. I will have some examples posted here whilst I'm talking about it.

But yeah, it would really really pretty, and I would love to look that feminine all of the time. Just in general I love the look, it is just so pretty. So when my tax return comes in I am thinking of getting one of pretty dresses on that site, and trying it out. If I like it enough I wanna adopt it as my style and wear those all the time, and things similar.

I would stand out so much, but not because I am trans, but because I am wearing something so "unusual" and I would love every moment of it.

What do you all think?

Here is the first one I wanna get:

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Been a While

Its been a long time since I have posted, and I always seem to get on here when I am feeling down, guess its a good place to vent.

Mostly just ranting about things that I am working on with my therapist, how I feel when I feel lonely. Its odd cause today was a really good day, played some magic at the card shop today and yesterday, so it was a lot of fun. In general my day has been pretty good up until about an hour ago, now I'm kinda depressed, with that empty heart feeling.

But I guess before I go into that, I am going to catch up.

In may I am moving to the Spokane area in Washington state, and hopefully my parents will be driving with me on the move for company. Going to be living with my best friend and her fiancée there, and I am looking forward to it. I will have gamers around me, I can get out of the house and have fun, and live my life. Also its closer to the ocean, and there is a better lgbt community out there. Iowa is just stagnating for me, I mean there is just nothing to do in this area, and now that I actually wanna get out of the house and do things.

Thats pretty much it.

As for the empty heart feeling, I just feel alone, I want someone to hold me but no one really around, and I don't wanna bug anyone just cause I'm depressed. Wishing I wasn't single, so I could have someone in my life to hold me when I'm feeling bad. Been talking to my therapist about my loneliness, and the problems it causes me, I either latch on to the first person I can (which often scares them off) or I push people away because I end up feeling sorry for myself. Its really stupid feeling like that, because I know this is keeping me from so many things in life, and maybe even finding said someone for me. Idk, its been a good week since I slipped into a depression like this, but that doesn't make it suck any less.

-sigh- Its not like there aren't people who love me out there, but I really want someone in my life, someone physically there to hold me, and stroke my hair, tell me everything is ok, make me feel like I'm not all alone. I just wanna be held right now....