Tuesday, September 29, 2009

another day

Well it seems that she had thought things over and wants to actually understand my spirituality and to respect it. She told me she is interested in me but doesn't want me trying to convert her, something I have no issues with for it is her belief. So at least she is willing to try, and I am too, I will not change my beliefs for her for it is part of who I am, but I will respect hers and not try to do anything to hurt her faith. I want to build a relationship of friendship and trust so that if by some miracle this works out romantically we started out on a good foot.

Just thought I would put fourth an update.

Blessed Be

Monday, September 28, 2009


This is just my luck, this happens every time I get my hopes up that maybe I won't spend my life as the old maid with no one to love. I meet someone who seems interesting and something always happens and then here I am stuck crying alone again. I am getting so sick and tired of being alone, with only myself to cry with.

I was talking to this one girl online, she doesn't live too far from me actually, she was just so cool. She is a tranny like me, only into women like me, and things as we were talking were just seeming to click, it seemed so perfect. Well it apparently ended up to perfect to be true, for there was a wrench thrown in the works. She is christian, and while that isn't a problem for me because I love people for who they are, not what they believe, but it apparently is a big deal with her.

Her reasons are admirable, she just doesn't want to see someone she loves damned to an eternity in hell. It seems an innocent enough, and i admire someone who cares, but the thing is I'm pagan, I don't believe in any of that. Still I was staying open minded and hoping that maybe this could work, but she doesn't seem to think so.

I'm still going to try talking to her more, find out more, and see if we can find some middle ground. It is just that it is a big deal to her, and I can respect that, but I cannot change who I am. I started my transition to become who I am, to take off this mask that I hate so very very much. I cannot put that mask back on, and changing my beliefs so that I am not alone anymore would be doing just that. I would just start to spiral downward and start to resent her, and I don't want to feel that towards anyone. I am hoping for something to work out between us, maybe we could come to an understanding and still maybe be together........I am not having much hope in that department though......in fact I'm crying while typing this.

It is just that I am getting so tired of being alone, feeling empty every day, incomplete. I want someone to be there with me, and every time I try something happens and my heart gets thrashed. I don't know why I try anymore, it just hurts every time.......I am going to talk to her more though, I want to see if something can be made of this without changing who I am.

Who knows though, still....looks like im going to be crying myself to sleep tonight......again. Wish I could have posted something happier....but that seems not to be my luck.

Blessed Be

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Learning Process Begins Anew

Well, finally, well I guess its yesterday now because it is 4AMish when I am posting this, but on Tuesday September 15th, 2009 I have begun my violin lessons again. It was a short one where she got to the major issues I was having, and I think they will help me out a lot. For example she suggested, confirming another professor's suggestion, to get a new chin rest for my violin. The way the old one was designed, if I were holding the violin with my chin properly, it dug in and hurt like hell. She suggested one that sits over the tailpiece, where as a normal one is to the left of it.

So I stopped by the House of Violins in my area, and he get it first shot, found a chin rest that was super comfortable. The nice part was it was also in a similar style, as in was still made of rosewood, so feasibly the sound of my violin will change little and it will be more comfortable. I am happy with this because I love the sound of my violin, and so anything that would change it could be bad. In this case it shouldn't change much, if at all, noticeably.

It will be odd getting used to seeing it, I'm so used to the "normal" style of violin chin rest, and so it will be a bit weird getting used to it. Hey, I am an oddball though, and it seems that this will translate to my music. Its odd, how both of the people I spoke with were shorter necked and less bony individuals, and so their style of holding the violin has to be very different than mine. It was odd to see such a difference, because their chin rests are much lower, and also of the more "normal" style. It fits with their body type, but it apparently wont fit with mine, so thus is life, and I think I may come to like the idea, it fits with my ridiculous OCD habit of wanting symmetry.

As for the transgender things happening in my life, not much, I did get back in contact with a local who I had spoken with before. Got to meet his wife and children, who by the way are adorable, although their voices hurt. They hit that just perfect volume and frequency that causes my ears so much pain that it sometimes makes me lose my feet and fall to the floor. They are little darlings though, and just so adorable, they will have quite the life ahead of them those little girls, and will grow up in a very open-minded household which will be good for the future of our nation in my opinion.

And as for my Pagan happenings, I am slowly adding more additions to my Book of Shadows, and I am not kidding when I say slowly. I do have my whole life ahead of me though, so I am in no rush, my spirituality will always be there for me. I will one day have a more full BoS, grant you it will never be complete, because one is always learning in this thing we call life. And I do have to say that I do love to learn and constantly add to my life all those wonderful things. So I don't mind that the book will never be truly complete, but instead gain joy from the fact that it will ever get bigger across the journey through my life, as a Musician, as a Pagan, as a Woman.

I think that will become my theme...

Blessed Be

Friday, September 11, 2009

Dreams, and why I wish they wouldn't happen sometimes.

I am one of those people who seldomly remembers her dreams, if ever, when I have them every night when I go to bed. I mean we all have dreams, its just a matter of remembering them sometimes, which almost never happens to me. I mention this because within the last couple of days I had a dream that I remembered, and it was one of those that while wonderful, I wish I did not remember it.

Essentially the dream was that I was post op, ie I had my surgery that would finally make me a full woman in body as well as mind. This dream was not long after surgery would have happened, within a year, and I was exploring my new parts down there in my dream. To put it in blunt and to the point terms, I was masturbating as a woman for the first time, yeah, I know, crude but that gets the point across.

What got me about this dream was how vivid it was, I could feel each and every thing that was going on in the dream. Now grant you I have had a penis since I was born, so there is no way I could know what these feelings are truly like, but somehow it worked in the dream. It felt nothing like what it feels like in real life, and nothing has ever felt so right in my life. I felt like a true woman, the levels of pleasure going on in the dream were simply unimaginable, I don't think words would do it justice. It felt so wonderful, it felt so right, as if everything in the world was as it was supposed to be.

The only bad part was waking up, I almost cried when I did, when it hit me that it was just a dream and not wonderful reality. It put my own life into stark contrast, and made me feel even more wrong in my body.......-sigh-

Blessed Be

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Book of Shadows

So today I started putting some entries in my book of shadows, just information and the like on the Sabbats and various other things, organizing it and the like. I haven't added spells of yet, but hey, all in good time, I still have much to learn as a Pagan. My journey is a journey of self and I will learn as much and include as much as I can of myself into the trip on the way. I am down the road to contentment, happiness in my true self as I am. It is a nice feeling to go on this journey, and discover your sense of self, find who you really are, and come to terms with and come to actually love your true self. It is actually a really liberating experience, and has been increasing my self confidence quite a lot I may add, it is quite the wonderful feeling. Now if I can just get my dad to understand this....

As for my violin lessons, seems I'm going to have to wait just one more week due to scheduling conflicts. My teacher and I just cannot sync up this week, so in all likelihood my first lesson with her will be next week. That is fine with me, either way I am learning to be better with my violin, and am becoming more satisfied with my ability as I go along. It is a long road to be a musician and a teacher, but I believe it will be a fulfilling one, as opposed to my old major of computer science which just sucked. I am happy in my life though, it is really moving forward, if slowly, but it is still moving unlike when I lived in Tennessee.

I am slowly removing the mask and becoming myself, on the Journey to discover myself, as a Musician, as a Pagan, as a Woman.

Blessed Be

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Mask is Slowly Coming Off

Well I just got back in touch with my violin teacher, and will hopefully begin next week on Monday or Tuesday with my violin lessons. I'm looking forward to this because it means I will get better, and have guidance for a good direction to go in my learning of my most treasured thing. I cannot wait to begin, because with direction I will get better a lot faster, and hopefully within a year or two get started with the bulk of my major. I am working to become a High School or Middle School Orchestra (not band, screw that) director, and I will work my hardest on it.

Starting next semester will be the group piano, which will be fun, learning piano was something I was always interested in. Well now I have an excuse to learn it, because it is required for my major to graduate.

On the subject of transition, I also need to get in contact with my electrolysist, so that I may get that started again as well. I cannot await the day that I no longer grow hair on my upper lip and jawline, then I won't have to worry about it anymore. The faster this happens the faster I will be feasibly be able to go Part or Full Time as myself, as the woman I am, in daily life. I haven't determined which one I am going to try for yet, but either way when the time comes, I will be the woman I have always dreamed of being physically along with the mentally I am used to.

The mask is slowly coming off....