Monday, August 31, 2009

The Future

Yet another week of classes begin, another week of some interesting things to come, and I'm still loving it.

For Intro to Psyche, I was assigned a few things, and among them is to make this little card for my Professor. The class has at least 140 people in it, its a lecture hall, and she wanted us to fill out an index card with my name, year, some personality test thing, and 3 interesting things about me. I put on my card, which I am to hand in on tuesday, and for one of the interesting things I wrote one thing.

"I am a pre-op, transitioning male to female transsexual."

I did this for a few reasons, the main being that because she is a psych teacher, I thought that she would find this interesting. Also I need to start being more open about my whole life, so that I may get over these fears and insecurities. This is just a start, and it will hopefully help, and with a class as big as it is i doubt it would cause a problem. Sure it sounds odd to all of you, but this is another step in my life of becoming the woman that I am.

But on to other things...

I am hopefully going to get back to Violin lessons next week at some time, or maybe the week after, it depends on what my teacher can do. Still, I am improving with my intonation and bowing with my violin, which is great. I mean I am not expecting to play Paganini anytime soon, but still I am improving which I am so happy about, one day I will be good. I look forward to the orchestra playing the most to be honest.

But that is a small update on my life, thanks for tuning in, this is Widow, out.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Men, and why they don't make sense

So ok, I know I was born one and all, but seriously, men just don't make sense.

I go to the store to pick up a gift card that my father bought for me at my local food store, my parents wanting to keep me fed and all. And so I ask the attendant to go and get it for me when I go to pay. He can't find the darned thing, and I watched as he just looked in the shelves and cabinets without moving anything....typical.

Next he gets a manager, who does the EXACT SAME THING. Neither of them ever lifted anything to find the darned gift card, I mean what the hell. They didn't even bother, men seriously need to learn from us some time.

-mutter grumble- I'm so glad I'm a lesbian.

Friday, August 28, 2009


Well I just finished my first week of classes, and I have to say that I am enjoying everything thoroughly. I have three different classes, consisting first of Religeons of the World, Molecules & Life, and lastly Intro to Psychology. Its a lot of fun and the teachers have an interesting teaching styles so It is a lot of fun so far.

Short post, but still, just a little update.

Oh, and also I have started building my book of shadows, all in good time...

Thursday, August 27, 2009


Well I guess it is time to get this started.

I decided to start this blog as a place to vent my thoughts, but also am going to pull my friends here to maybe take a look at it. I'm not entirely sure myself, I have just been wanting to start a place to put my thoughts, and maybe some people will look at them. Plans aren't entirely well made at the moment, I am just going with it and see how this goes.

A few things about me, other than what is in the about me section to the right. I am also Pagan, though I am still discovering my own path in that regard, finding my own way. Constant learning is a thing with all paths though, you will never know everything, and anyone who thinks they do is a moron. So I am starting to get my tools of the trade, planning to carve my own Athame, I know they are supposed to be metal, but what the hey, thats what I want to do with it. I feel a much more keen connection to wood, something that has always symbolized life to me.

I have always felt attuned to the Earth element, and also partially attuned to Water, and I feel the stuff of life when I channel them together. I find wood to be this combination and will use the Athame to represent my position in any ritual or magick. That will be one of my steps, but I still have far to go, and much discovery ahead of me, life is moving forward. I am also going to start working on my Book of Shadows, or my book of knowledge so to speak, where I can keep calenders of the sacred Sabbats and Esbats, spells, knowledge I have gleaned and the like. It will just be a simple notebook, but I will keep my knowledge in it of all things Pagan I deal with.

But on to other things...

Lately, in the realm of my transition from male to female, I have been trying to get over some of my fears and insecurities. I have a lot of trouble worrying how other people will react around me, not caring what they think so much as if they will get violent because "what I am doing is wrong." (note the quotation marks, becoming my true self has nothing wrong with it.). I have heard too many stories of tranny's being beaten just for being themselves, though usually that is in sexual situations. I am currently not looking for sex or a significant other, though I'll take someone if the situation arises, but I would be open about myself. I don't want to be killed because someone is insecure because they "Just had sex with a guy." (im not a guy, but people actually think like this its amazing.)

I have been doing little things to get over my insecurities, the main currently being the use of my purse. For the past two weeks I have started carrying around my purse regardless of whether I am presenting as male or female. Mostly its just convenient to have around, allowing me to carry things around that I need, and I don't need to carry anything in my pockets. It is definitely a woman's purse, so there is no misinterpreting it as a murse, and I have made that clear to my coworkers at least. Mostly no one is being bothered by it, which is helping out my insecurities and allowing me to do more daring things.

More on that later as I work harder at it...

I am on hormones though and have been for a year come September 2009, and it has made such a difference in my comfort in myself. My skin is getting softer, breasts are growing in (albeit slowly), my body hair is getting lighter colored and thinner, and my hair is starting to get thicker if slowly. I still am pre-op, so I still have to deal with the boy bits much to my distress, but that will be taken care of in time. I plan to have the surgery some day, and then I will be truly happy with my body, but until then I will learn everything I can and enjoy myself.

Now on to other things...

I am a music major, specifically down the instrumental education path, so that one day I may teach High School Orchestra, or at least that is my plan. I love my music, I am a Violinist, and my Violin is possibly one of the most beautiful things in the world to me. My music is my everything, it is the largest part of who I am, and brings me great joy and wellness. Even when I am depressed and hating my body (which happens often enough), my music always makes me feel better, for it is my most beautiful thing. I love my music greatly, and I would love to teach this to others so that maybe the next generation might feel this same love for music that I do.

But I guess that is enough from me for one post, I will eventually vent more of my thoughts on this blog in the future, so look for me in the future.

Blessed Be