Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Hand Problems Again

I fucking hate my hands sometimes, they are so damned frustrating.  I was practicing my violin today, yknow just standard stuff, and I cannot do anything, my hands won't cooperate.  They ache, and they just aren't doing what I want them to do, and the true problem is that this is not an uncommon occurrence.  My hands just will be sore for no damned reason, swelling up and not doing what I wan't and it frustrates the hell out of me and depresses me.

I'm a fucking musician, and my hands fail me, I mean if I believed in any deities or supernatural shit I would think I am the butt of some cosmic joke.  People wonder why I am an Atheist, and the primary reason is lack of evidence, but here is just another one that bugs me.  If any such "loving deity" existed I would not have this problem with my hands.  It is a capricious being that creates someone to love music and playing an instrument with all their heart, it is their true passion, and then make it so their hands betray them.

And any of you Christians give me that "gods plan" bullshit, FUCK THE HELL OFF.  Any god that would fuck with the hands of someone who wants nothing more than to play music is FUCKING EVIL.  They are not all good, not all loving, they are a capricious fucking bully.  Such a god has no fucking place being worshiped, such a god should be revolted, and spit upon.

Sorry, things like this frustrate me, and my hands just keep having these problems, and of course the RA test came back negative.  I am going to keep talking to doctors about it, maybe find something that works that will keep my hands from destroying and taking away the one true beautiful thing I can add to this dismal world.  My hands are the portal to everything that makes me me, and they have to fail me and betray me all the time, I could get so much farther if it weren't for this.  I could spend hours practicing instead of only being able to put in an hour, I could become an amazing and wonderful violinist, bringing true beauty to this world.  But no, my hands have to fuck up on me and say "fuck you Rachel, you can't go after your dreams."

Fucking fuck.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

New Blog

Just put myself a new blog together just for posting about my gaming, on Warhammer and other mini-wargames. So I hope to get lots of info and pictures up on there about my armies and lists and all the like when I get started like that.  Just thought I would mention it here for anyone who wants to follow info about my warhammer stuff.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Projects, Painting and Patience

Yeah, I know, horrible alliteration, but hey I'm bored and thought it would be fun to have a little alliteration for my post.  But, now on to the fun.

Mostly just finishing school stuff up, not having to work is crazy and nice at the same time.  Mostly just finishing up a few projects, some extra credit, and a few assignments, and they are all coming along nicely.  In fact after Wednesday I will only have two finals and one project to do and I am done for the semester.  The final project is more of an experiment and it is coming along well enough.  I'll be done taking data down for that on wednesday, then its do research, use the data, and write the paper to accompany it.

So that covers the Projects.

Painting is coming along slow for my tyranid army, just been having trouble motivating myself with it, painting alone can get a little boring.  When I have people to talk to and listen to though, it goes along well and I enjoy doing it.  As it is two of my warriors have their skin painted and are ready for drybrushing of the various skin colours that I know I have mentioned before.  Just need to paint the skin up on the one, and then do the skin sections of the weapon arms, after that time for drybrushing.

So that covers the Painting.

Ah the hardest one, patience, and of course im referring to my wait on my move, which i wish would just come faster.  Bleh, its just kinda stressful, being here wishing I was there with them, worrying about them as they have their own issues to deal with.  Bleh, this move just needs to come already, would make things a whole lot easier.

Those are my thoughts, thought I would unload them.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


So yesterday I got a call from my mom not ten minutes after chatting with her and having a bunch of fun, that my grandmother had died.  So that had left me in a very melancholy mood most of yesterday, but when I was able to sit down and think about it, I thought that it was a good thing.  Its sad that she is gone, and I love my grandma and I miss her very much but things have been very hard for her.

Ten years ago my grandpa, her husband, had died of a heart attack in his sleep, and she had been going downhill ever since.  She had always had medical problems, diabetes and lactose-intolerance being two of the few medical issues she had, and she just got worse.  She started going senile after he died, not remembering who she was, or who her children or grandchildren were.  And when she fell a few months ago and broke a bone, she just hadn't been healing well and was in pain and bedridden.

So yes, I am very sad my grandma is gone, and I am going to miss her a whole lot, but at least she isn't in pain anymore.  She was having a very hard life, being without her husband of fifty years for ten years, she outlasted the average, I have heard most people don't outlive their spouses by five years at that age.  So in the end I am happy she is finally no longer in pain, not having to live every day without remembering hardly anything of her long and wonderful life.  I am happy for the years and the time I have had with her, and I love my grandma very much, so I am happy her pain is finally over.

Kind of difficult to be consoling to my parents though, because they believe in a deity, and I do not, they believe in an afterlife and I do not.  So my parents are saying "she is in a better place" and "she is with grandpa now", and all I can do is just mumble in mock agreement.  I am not going to say anything, I don't want to do that to my parents, but its just hard to talk about it with them with such a fundamental difference in belief.  They know I am an Atheist, but when you are in grief these are the things you go through, you want to think they are in a better place, and I am happy that that makes my parents more comfortable.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Gotta wait a bit longer.

Well it seems my parents have to push the move date up a few weeks, which really sucks because I am just itching to be out there in Washington.  I want to be with my partners so bad, and its not that I don't appreciate talking to them all the time on Skype and Yahoo all the time.  It is just I want that physical contact so bad, and it isn't even about the sex, just some cuddling and physical affection is what I am desiring.

Doesn't help that the more talkative of my partners, her computer just fried so I will probably not get to talk to her much until it is fixed which really sucks.  I will just keep talking to them as I can and try to keep a positive attitude until I move.  The move will be a few weeks later than I had wanted due to issues on my parent's end, which had me depressed for a little bit, but what can you do.  I just want the move to come already so I can be with them, thats my main desire right now.

Will be done at this Olive Garden next Sunday, which will give me plenty of time to catch up on school readings, projects and studying.  I will also try to set myself on a better practice schedule for violin and get some painting done on my tyranid swarm, mwahahahahhahaa.

Just trying to stay positive, and get ready for the move.

Friday, March 25, 2011

New Lolita Dress

So my petticoat came in for my lolita dress and I finally took pictures of it, and I feel like such a pretty princess right now.  Seriously, I feel all super pretty and I love this dress so much, so amazing.  I don't ever wanna take this dress off.

So YAY...