Monday, November 9, 2009


So last night I went to my school's performing arts center, where the most amazing violinist was playing, Itzhak Perlman. I was very lucky to get the ticket, only getting it a week before the actual performance was to take place. I was sitting in one of the box seats that were actually up on the stage, and I could literally see his hands moving with detail, directly to his left.

To say that words could not possibly describe my feelings while listening to him, I mean wow, there are just not enough word that could possibly do him justice. It was deffinatly the most amazing performance I have ever heard within my lifetime, and it was well worth the 42 dollars I paid for the ticket.

Blessed Be

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Happy Samhain

Well, it is October 31st, and that means it is Samhain (pronounced SowWhen), one of the 8 sabbats in my spirituality. It is a day of reflection, a day to honor the dead, for it is the time between years, the Pagan New Year. A Pagan time cycle works on a wheel, so when one year ends, the next begins, its cyclical not linear. It is better that way, for all endings create new beginnings, it is the balance of the universe.

But for my Samhain I performed a dumb supper, a simplistic yet highly emotional and important ritual. You have a meal, really simple, but you leave a portion of food and a place setting out to honor the dead and welcome them to your table. You show them honor by eating your meal in silence for the dead can no longer speak through voice. You leave a door open to allow them into your home, and you show them honor, for Samhain is a day for the dead to honor them.

For me I also wrote a note, to a specific friend who had passed away, who I had never told that I was really a woman. I wrote a long note out so that if he joined me at my table tonight he would have had a chance to read. It was a act of closure really, because its something I never really had with that friend, for I regretted never opening up fully to him. I still miss my friend, but at least now I have been honest with his spirit at the very least, and that makes me feel better.

But another day, life moves forward, As a Pagan, As a Musician, As a Woman...

Blessed Be

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Complex Emotions

A lot goes on in the human mind, when you want something so bad, but you are scared of ruining it. You want it so bad, but you know if because of this desire you ruined anything you would hate yourself for being so selfish. A lot is going on in the mind of this crazy girl.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

New Hormones

Well as of yesterday, I am on injected form of estrogen instead of those annoying patches. Already I am so happy for the change for so many reasons, and no I can't feel the difference yet, it hasn't been long enough. The nice thing is I don't have those gods forsaken patches to irritate my skin anymore, which I cannot even say how happy my skin is about that.

I did have some fears, cause needles always used to give me the heebie jeebies, but it really wasn't that bad. You stick it in quickly, and it takes a while to put the thick oil in, but for the most part it isn't that bad. Doesn't really hurt, just feels like you have a golf ball inside of your thigh, because it is injected directly into the muscle. It feels odd but not entirely unpleasant, and while there are a few more risks with this form of estrogen, its so worth the end results.

So overall I am happy about it, to be completely honest.

Blessed Be

Monday, October 12, 2009


Well as it seems, I have not given a proper post in a bit and a lot has happened.

Romantically concerned Ashley is a no go, due to misinterpreted bible verse she has been convinced she is "doing wrong by god" and thus has given up on transition and myself. It sucked, i cried for a few days, but I'm over it and living my life blast it.

As for my violin front, I am getting better slowly as is expected, and I am actually starting to produce a halfway decent sound. My teacher has suggested that instead of doing 1 hour straight per day as my practice, to break it up into two sessions. Due to my skill level there isn't much i can work on in one sitting like a more advanced student would be able to. So I think I am going to change my schedule around, normally I'm up at noon, and then go to classes. What I am going to do instead is wake up an hour earlier, and then practice a half hour before classes. Then once I get home from classes I will relax, loosen up, and practice another half hour. I put in my hour a day, and I don't go mad with the monotony.

So I am happy with the direction that is going, it is taking time, but hey, Rome wasn't built in a day.

As for transition, it is about the same as before, with a few changes. My doctor has finally prescribed me injected estrogen, which just rocks, because it means no more forsaken patches. I plan to get it injected for the first time in my system on tuesday, I look forward to the hormones and not the needle, but still. Other than that I need to find a way to get some more money if only to get my electro paid for, and get some more clothing so I can have a proper wardrobe and go full time or something.

Either way life moves forward, as a Musician, as a Pagan, as a Woman.

Blessed Be

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Being sick sucks

Enough said, I think that gets the point across.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

another day

Well it seems that she had thought things over and wants to actually understand my spirituality and to respect it. She told me she is interested in me but doesn't want me trying to convert her, something I have no issues with for it is her belief. So at least she is willing to try, and I am too, I will not change my beliefs for her for it is part of who I am, but I will respect hers and not try to do anything to hurt her faith. I want to build a relationship of friendship and trust so that if by some miracle this works out romantically we started out on a good foot.

Just thought I would put fourth an update.

Blessed Be

Monday, September 28, 2009


This is just my luck, this happens every time I get my hopes up that maybe I won't spend my life as the old maid with no one to love. I meet someone who seems interesting and something always happens and then here I am stuck crying alone again. I am getting so sick and tired of being alone, with only myself to cry with.

I was talking to this one girl online, she doesn't live too far from me actually, she was just so cool. She is a tranny like me, only into women like me, and things as we were talking were just seeming to click, it seemed so perfect. Well it apparently ended up to perfect to be true, for there was a wrench thrown in the works. She is christian, and while that isn't a problem for me because I love people for who they are, not what they believe, but it apparently is a big deal with her.

Her reasons are admirable, she just doesn't want to see someone she loves damned to an eternity in hell. It seems an innocent enough, and i admire someone who cares, but the thing is I'm pagan, I don't believe in any of that. Still I was staying open minded and hoping that maybe this could work, but she doesn't seem to think so.

I'm still going to try talking to her more, find out more, and see if we can find some middle ground. It is just that it is a big deal to her, and I can respect that, but I cannot change who I am. I started my transition to become who I am, to take off this mask that I hate so very very much. I cannot put that mask back on, and changing my beliefs so that I am not alone anymore would be doing just that. I would just start to spiral downward and start to resent her, and I don't want to feel that towards anyone. I am hoping for something to work out between us, maybe we could come to an understanding and still maybe be together........I am not having much hope in that department fact I'm crying while typing this.

It is just that I am getting so tired of being alone, feeling empty every day, incomplete. I want someone to be there with me, and every time I try something happens and my heart gets thrashed. I don't know why I try anymore, it just hurts every time.......I am going to talk to her more though, I want to see if something can be made of this without changing who I am.

Who knows though, still....looks like im going to be crying myself to sleep tonight......again. Wish I could have posted something happier....but that seems not to be my luck.

Blessed Be

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Learning Process Begins Anew

Well, finally, well I guess its yesterday now because it is 4AMish when I am posting this, but on Tuesday September 15th, 2009 I have begun my violin lessons again. It was a short one where she got to the major issues I was having, and I think they will help me out a lot. For example she suggested, confirming another professor's suggestion, to get a new chin rest for my violin. The way the old one was designed, if I were holding the violin with my chin properly, it dug in and hurt like hell. She suggested one that sits over the tailpiece, where as a normal one is to the left of it.

So I stopped by the House of Violins in my area, and he get it first shot, found a chin rest that was super comfortable. The nice part was it was also in a similar style, as in was still made of rosewood, so feasibly the sound of my violin will change little and it will be more comfortable. I am happy with this because I love the sound of my violin, and so anything that would change it could be bad. In this case it shouldn't change much, if at all, noticeably.

It will be odd getting used to seeing it, I'm so used to the "normal" style of violin chin rest, and so it will be a bit weird getting used to it. Hey, I am an oddball though, and it seems that this will translate to my music. Its odd, how both of the people I spoke with were shorter necked and less bony individuals, and so their style of holding the violin has to be very different than mine. It was odd to see such a difference, because their chin rests are much lower, and also of the more "normal" style. It fits with their body type, but it apparently wont fit with mine, so thus is life, and I think I may come to like the idea, it fits with my ridiculous OCD habit of wanting symmetry.

As for the transgender things happening in my life, not much, I did get back in contact with a local who I had spoken with before. Got to meet his wife and children, who by the way are adorable, although their voices hurt. They hit that just perfect volume and frequency that causes my ears so much pain that it sometimes makes me lose my feet and fall to the floor. They are little darlings though, and just so adorable, they will have quite the life ahead of them those little girls, and will grow up in a very open-minded household which will be good for the future of our nation in my opinion.

And as for my Pagan happenings, I am slowly adding more additions to my Book of Shadows, and I am not kidding when I say slowly. I do have my whole life ahead of me though, so I am in no rush, my spirituality will always be there for me. I will one day have a more full BoS, grant you it will never be complete, because one is always learning in this thing we call life. And I do have to say that I do love to learn and constantly add to my life all those wonderful things. So I don't mind that the book will never be truly complete, but instead gain joy from the fact that it will ever get bigger across the journey through my life, as a Musician, as a Pagan, as a Woman.

I think that will become my theme...

Blessed Be

Friday, September 11, 2009

Dreams, and why I wish they wouldn't happen sometimes.

I am one of those people who seldomly remembers her dreams, if ever, when I have them every night when I go to bed. I mean we all have dreams, its just a matter of remembering them sometimes, which almost never happens to me. I mention this because within the last couple of days I had a dream that I remembered, and it was one of those that while wonderful, I wish I did not remember it.

Essentially the dream was that I was post op, ie I had my surgery that would finally make me a full woman in body as well as mind. This dream was not long after surgery would have happened, within a year, and I was exploring my new parts down there in my dream. To put it in blunt and to the point terms, I was masturbating as a woman for the first time, yeah, I know, crude but that gets the point across.

What got me about this dream was how vivid it was, I could feel each and every thing that was going on in the dream. Now grant you I have had a penis since I was born, so there is no way I could know what these feelings are truly like, but somehow it worked in the dream. It felt nothing like what it feels like in real life, and nothing has ever felt so right in my life. I felt like a true woman, the levels of pleasure going on in the dream were simply unimaginable, I don't think words would do it justice. It felt so wonderful, it felt so right, as if everything in the world was as it was supposed to be.

The only bad part was waking up, I almost cried when I did, when it hit me that it was just a dream and not wonderful reality. It put my own life into stark contrast, and made me feel even more wrong in my body.......-sigh-

Blessed Be

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Book of Shadows

So today I started putting some entries in my book of shadows, just information and the like on the Sabbats and various other things, organizing it and the like. I haven't added spells of yet, but hey, all in good time, I still have much to learn as a Pagan. My journey is a journey of self and I will learn as much and include as much as I can of myself into the trip on the way. I am down the road to contentment, happiness in my true self as I am. It is a nice feeling to go on this journey, and discover your sense of self, find who you really are, and come to terms with and come to actually love your true self. It is actually a really liberating experience, and has been increasing my self confidence quite a lot I may add, it is quite the wonderful feeling. Now if I can just get my dad to understand this....

As for my violin lessons, seems I'm going to have to wait just one more week due to scheduling conflicts. My teacher and I just cannot sync up this week, so in all likelihood my first lesson with her will be next week. That is fine with me, either way I am learning to be better with my violin, and am becoming more satisfied with my ability as I go along. It is a long road to be a musician and a teacher, but I believe it will be a fulfilling one, as opposed to my old major of computer science which just sucked. I am happy in my life though, it is really moving forward, if slowly, but it is still moving unlike when I lived in Tennessee.

I am slowly removing the mask and becoming myself, on the Journey to discover myself, as a Musician, as a Pagan, as a Woman.

Blessed Be

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Mask is Slowly Coming Off

Well I just got back in touch with my violin teacher, and will hopefully begin next week on Monday or Tuesday with my violin lessons. I'm looking forward to this because it means I will get better, and have guidance for a good direction to go in my learning of my most treasured thing. I cannot wait to begin, because with direction I will get better a lot faster, and hopefully within a year or two get started with the bulk of my major. I am working to become a High School or Middle School Orchestra (not band, screw that) director, and I will work my hardest on it.

Starting next semester will be the group piano, which will be fun, learning piano was something I was always interested in. Well now I have an excuse to learn it, because it is required for my major to graduate.

On the subject of transition, I also need to get in contact with my electrolysist, so that I may get that started again as well. I cannot await the day that I no longer grow hair on my upper lip and jawline, then I won't have to worry about it anymore. The faster this happens the faster I will be feasibly be able to go Part or Full Time as myself, as the woman I am, in daily life. I haven't determined which one I am going to try for yet, but either way when the time comes, I will be the woman I have always dreamed of being physically along with the mentally I am used to.

The mask is slowly coming off....

Monday, August 31, 2009

The Future

Yet another week of classes begin, another week of some interesting things to come, and I'm still loving it.

For Intro to Psyche, I was assigned a few things, and among them is to make this little card for my Professor. The class has at least 140 people in it, its a lecture hall, and she wanted us to fill out an index card with my name, year, some personality test thing, and 3 interesting things about me. I put on my card, which I am to hand in on tuesday, and for one of the interesting things I wrote one thing.

"I am a pre-op, transitioning male to female transsexual."

I did this for a few reasons, the main being that because she is a psych teacher, I thought that she would find this interesting. Also I need to start being more open about my whole life, so that I may get over these fears and insecurities. This is just a start, and it will hopefully help, and with a class as big as it is i doubt it would cause a problem. Sure it sounds odd to all of you, but this is another step in my life of becoming the woman that I am.

But on to other things...

I am hopefully going to get back to Violin lessons next week at some time, or maybe the week after, it depends on what my teacher can do. Still, I am improving with my intonation and bowing with my violin, which is great. I mean I am not expecting to play Paganini anytime soon, but still I am improving which I am so happy about, one day I will be good. I look forward to the orchestra playing the most to be honest.

But that is a small update on my life, thanks for tuning in, this is Widow, out.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Men, and why they don't make sense

So ok, I know I was born one and all, but seriously, men just don't make sense.

I go to the store to pick up a gift card that my father bought for me at my local food store, my parents wanting to keep me fed and all. And so I ask the attendant to go and get it for me when I go to pay. He can't find the darned thing, and I watched as he just looked in the shelves and cabinets without moving anything....typical.

Next he gets a manager, who does the EXACT SAME THING. Neither of them ever lifted anything to find the darned gift card, I mean what the hell. They didn't even bother, men seriously need to learn from us some time.

-mutter grumble- I'm so glad I'm a lesbian.

Friday, August 28, 2009


Well I just finished my first week of classes, and I have to say that I am enjoying everything thoroughly. I have three different classes, consisting first of Religeons of the World, Molecules & Life, and lastly Intro to Psychology. Its a lot of fun and the teachers have an interesting teaching styles so It is a lot of fun so far.

Short post, but still, just a little update.

Oh, and also I have started building my book of shadows, all in good time...

Thursday, August 27, 2009


Well I guess it is time to get this started.

I decided to start this blog as a place to vent my thoughts, but also am going to pull my friends here to maybe take a look at it. I'm not entirely sure myself, I have just been wanting to start a place to put my thoughts, and maybe some people will look at them. Plans aren't entirely well made at the moment, I am just going with it and see how this goes.

A few things about me, other than what is in the about me section to the right. I am also Pagan, though I am still discovering my own path in that regard, finding my own way. Constant learning is a thing with all paths though, you will never know everything, and anyone who thinks they do is a moron. So I am starting to get my tools of the trade, planning to carve my own Athame, I know they are supposed to be metal, but what the hey, thats what I want to do with it. I feel a much more keen connection to wood, something that has always symbolized life to me.

I have always felt attuned to the Earth element, and also partially attuned to Water, and I feel the stuff of life when I channel them together. I find wood to be this combination and will use the Athame to represent my position in any ritual or magick. That will be one of my steps, but I still have far to go, and much discovery ahead of me, life is moving forward. I am also going to start working on my Book of Shadows, or my book of knowledge so to speak, where I can keep calenders of the sacred Sabbats and Esbats, spells, knowledge I have gleaned and the like. It will just be a simple notebook, but I will keep my knowledge in it of all things Pagan I deal with.

But on to other things...

Lately, in the realm of my transition from male to female, I have been trying to get over some of my fears and insecurities. I have a lot of trouble worrying how other people will react around me, not caring what they think so much as if they will get violent because "what I am doing is wrong." (note the quotation marks, becoming my true self has nothing wrong with it.). I have heard too many stories of tranny's being beaten just for being themselves, though usually that is in sexual situations. I am currently not looking for sex or a significant other, though I'll take someone if the situation arises, but I would be open about myself. I don't want to be killed because someone is insecure because they "Just had sex with a guy." (im not a guy, but people actually think like this its amazing.)

I have been doing little things to get over my insecurities, the main currently being the use of my purse. For the past two weeks I have started carrying around my purse regardless of whether I am presenting as male or female. Mostly its just convenient to have around, allowing me to carry things around that I need, and I don't need to carry anything in my pockets. It is definitely a woman's purse, so there is no misinterpreting it as a murse, and I have made that clear to my coworkers at least. Mostly no one is being bothered by it, which is helping out my insecurities and allowing me to do more daring things.

More on that later as I work harder at it...

I am on hormones though and have been for a year come September 2009, and it has made such a difference in my comfort in myself. My skin is getting softer, breasts are growing in (albeit slowly), my body hair is getting lighter colored and thinner, and my hair is starting to get thicker if slowly. I still am pre-op, so I still have to deal with the boy bits much to my distress, but that will be taken care of in time. I plan to have the surgery some day, and then I will be truly happy with my body, but until then I will learn everything I can and enjoy myself.

Now on to other things...

I am a music major, specifically down the instrumental education path, so that one day I may teach High School Orchestra, or at least that is my plan. I love my music, I am a Violinist, and my Violin is possibly one of the most beautiful things in the world to me. My music is my everything, it is the largest part of who I am, and brings me great joy and wellness. Even when I am depressed and hating my body (which happens often enough), my music always makes me feel better, for it is my most beautiful thing. I love my music greatly, and I would love to teach this to others so that maybe the next generation might feel this same love for music that I do.

But I guess that is enough from me for one post, I will eventually vent more of my thoughts on this blog in the future, so look for me in the future.

Blessed Be