Well I guess it is time to get this started.
I decided to start this blog as a place to vent my thoughts, but also am going to pull my friends here to maybe take a look at it. I'm not entirely sure myself, I have just been wanting to start a place to put my thoughts, and maybe some people will look at them. Plans aren't entirely well made at the moment, I am just going with it and see how this goes.
A few things about me, other than what is in the about me section to the right. I am also Pagan, though I am still discovering my own path in that regard, finding my own way. Constant learning is a thing with all paths though, you will never know everything, and anyone who thinks they do is a moron. So I am starting to get my tools of the trade, planning to carve my own Athame, I know they are supposed to be metal, but what the hey, thats what I want to do with it. I feel a much more keen connection to wood, something that has always symbolized life to me.
I have always felt attuned to the Earth element, and also partially attuned to Water, and I feel the stuff of life when I channel them together. I find wood to be this combination and will use the Athame to represent my position in any ritual or magick. That will be one of my steps, but I still have far to go, and much discovery ahead of me, life is moving forward. I am also going to start working on my Book of Shadows, or my book of knowledge so to speak, where I can keep calenders of the sacred Sabbats and Esbats, spells, knowledge I have gleaned and the like. It will just be a simple notebook, but I will keep my knowledge in it of all things Pagan I deal with.
But on to other things...
Lately, in the realm of my transition from male to female, I have been trying to get over some of my fears and insecurities. I have a lot of trouble worrying how other people will react around me, not caring what they think so much as if they will get violent because "what I am doing is wrong." (note the quotation marks, becoming my true self has nothing wrong with it.). I have heard too many stories of tranny's being beaten just for being themselves, though usually that is in sexual situations. I am currently not looking for sex or a significant other, though I'll take someone if the situation arises, but I would be open about myself. I don't want to be killed because someone is insecure because they "Just had sex with a guy." (im not a guy, but people actually think like this its amazing.)
I have been doing little things to get over my insecurities, the main currently being the use of my purse. For the past two weeks I have started carrying around my purse regardless of whether I am presenting as male or female. Mostly its just convenient to have around, allowing me to carry things around that I need, and I don't need to carry anything in my pockets. It is definitely a woman's purse, so there is no misinterpreting it as a murse, and I have made that clear to my coworkers at least. Mostly no one is being bothered by it, which is helping out my insecurities and allowing me to do more daring things.
More on that later as I work harder at it...
I am on hormones though and have been for a year come September 2009, and it has made such a difference in my comfort in myself. My skin is getting softer, breasts are growing in (albeit slowly), my body hair is getting lighter colored and thinner, and my hair is starting to get thicker if slowly. I still am pre-op, so I still have to deal with the boy bits much to my distress, but that will be taken care of in time. I plan to have the surgery some day, and then I will be truly happy with my body, but until then I will learn everything I can and enjoy myself.
Now on to other things...
I am a music major, specifically down the instrumental education path, so that one day I may teach High School Orchestra, or at least that is my plan. I love my music, I am a Violinist, and my Violin is possibly one of the most beautiful things in the world to me. My music is my everything, it is the largest part of who I am, and brings me great joy and wellness. Even when I am depressed and hating my body (which happens often enough), my music always makes me feel better, for it is my most beautiful thing. I love my music greatly, and I would love to teach this to others so that maybe the next generation might feel this same love for music that I do.
But I guess that is enough from me for one post, I will eventually vent more of my thoughts on this blog in the future, so look for me in the future.