Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Hand Problems Again

I fucking hate my hands sometimes, they are so damned frustrating.  I was practicing my violin today, yknow just standard stuff, and I cannot do anything, my hands won't cooperate.  They ache, and they just aren't doing what I want them to do, and the true problem is that this is not an uncommon occurrence.  My hands just will be sore for no damned reason, swelling up and not doing what I wan't and it frustrates the hell out of me and depresses me.

I'm a fucking musician, and my hands fail me, I mean if I believed in any deities or supernatural shit I would think I am the butt of some cosmic joke.  People wonder why I am an Atheist, and the primary reason is lack of evidence, but here is just another one that bugs me.  If any such "loving deity" existed I would not have this problem with my hands.  It is a capricious being that creates someone to love music and playing an instrument with all their heart, it is their true passion, and then make it so their hands betray them.

And any of you Christians give me that "gods plan" bullshit, FUCK THE HELL OFF.  Any god that would fuck with the hands of someone who wants nothing more than to play music is FUCKING EVIL.  They are not all good, not all loving, they are a capricious fucking bully.  Such a god has no fucking place being worshiped, such a god should be revolted, and spit upon.

Sorry, things like this frustrate me, and my hands just keep having these problems, and of course the RA test came back negative.  I am going to keep talking to doctors about it, maybe find something that works that will keep my hands from destroying and taking away the one true beautiful thing I can add to this dismal world.  My hands are the portal to everything that makes me me, and they have to fail me and betray me all the time, I could get so much farther if it weren't for this.  I could spend hours practicing instead of only being able to put in an hour, I could become an amazing and wonderful violinist, bringing true beauty to this world.  But no, my hands have to fuck up on me and say "fuck you Rachel, you can't go after your dreams."

Fucking fuck.

1 comment:

  1. It's not much of a supportive answer but knowing you're doing whatever you can and pushing yourself against adversity is a triumph in itself.