Been a While

I noticed today that it has been a while since I have posted here in my blog, so might as well update.

Lots have been going on lately, especially since my last post. Sadly there is good news and bad news.

Here is the good news:

For one I made the discovery that instead of being a Lesbian like I thought I was, I am bisexual, guess it was kind of a come to terms moment for me. I just realized that gender didn't matter to me, it was who is inside that matters to me. Its something that I have noticed has been a part of me, I just never acknowledged it, but hey that is life.

On the same note I also have a boyfriend, he is a big sweetheart and I'm glad to have him, its just really nice to have someone care for you on that level. He is wonderful, sweet, caring, thoughtful, and pays attention to the little details. He visited a few weeks ago, and the week long he was here was just wonderful. I had him there to cuddle me, and in general make me feel like the woman that I am, it was bliss. Hopefully in June he'll move here so I get to see him all the time instead of just the one visit. He'll probably be bringing his roomies, which will be cool, I'll have people around me again which will be great.

Here is the bad news:

My friend Vinny passed away Jan 24 2010, at the age of 32, of a heart attack. The first weeks after were pretty rough, because he is not my first friend to pass too early, leaving me behind to grieve. I will miss him greatly, but I have to be here for his wife and kids who he left behind. They are like my nephews, and I want to do everything I can for them, because Vinny's memory deserves at least that much.

We kind of always knew he would have another heart attack, but when it actually happens it sucks beyond really explaining. He was like a brother to me, and it will probably take some time before I am completely over it. But I have his boys to think about, they need people more than ever now, because they can't have him anymore.

I miss you Vinny, and no one can ever really replace you in this world. I love you like a brother, and rest in peace knowing I'm here for your wife and your sons. They miss you too, and they will always love you, and I'll make sure the boys grow up knowing about you too, I know your wife will.

I gotta stop outliving my friends though, this is really beginning to suck, first Austin, now Vinny, who else is going to pass on me too early, before they could live their life. I guess all you can do is move on, and hope you have more good times with those you still have. -sigh-

Perlman.....WoW

So last night I went to my school's performing arts center, where the most amazing violinist was playing, Itzhak Perlman. I was very lucky to get the ticket, only getting it a week before the actual performance was to take place. I was sitting in one of the box seats that were actually up on the stage, and I could literally see his hands moving with detail, directly to his left.

To say that words could not possibly describe my feelings while listening to him, I mean wow, there are just not enough word that could possibly do him justice. It was deffinatly the most amazing performance I have ever heard within my lifetime, and it was well worth the 42 dollars I paid for the ticket.

Blessed Be

Happy Samhain

Well, it is October 31st, and that means it is Samhain (pronounced SowWhen), one of the 8 sabbats in my spirituality. It is a day of reflection, a day to honor the dead, for it is the time between years, the Pagan New Year. A Pagan time cycle works on a wheel, so when one year ends, the next begins, its cyclical not linear. It is better that way, for all endings create new beginnings, it is the balance of the universe.

But for my Samhain I performed a dumb supper, a simplistic yet highly emotional and important ritual. You have a meal, really simple, but you leave a portion of food and a place setting out to honor the dead and welcome them to your table. You show them honor by eating your meal in silence for the dead can no longer speak through voice. You leave a door open to allow them into your home, and you show them honor, for Samhain is a day for the dead to honor them.

For me I also wrote a note, to a specific friend who had passed away, who I had never told that I was really a woman. I wrote a long note out so that if he joined me at my table tonight he would have had a chance to read. It was a act of closure really, because its something I never really had with that friend, for I regretted never opening up fully to him. I still miss my friend, but at least now I have been honest with his spirit at the very least, and that makes me feel better.

But another day, life moves forward, As a Pagan, As a Musician, As a Woman...

Blessed Be

Complex Emotions

A lot goes on in the human mind, when you want something so bad, but you are scared of ruining it. You want it so bad, but you know if because of this desire you ruined anything you would hate yourself for being so selfish. A lot is going on in the mind of this crazy girl.

New Hormones

Well as of yesterday, I am on injected form of estrogen instead of those annoying patches. Already I am so happy for the change for so many reasons, and no I can't feel the difference yet, it hasn't been long enough. The nice thing is I don't have those gods forsaken patches to irritate my skin anymore, which I cannot even say how happy my skin is about that.

I did have some fears, cause needles always used to give me the heebie jeebies, but it really wasn't that bad. You stick it in quickly, and it takes a while to put the thick oil in, but for the most part it isn't that bad. Doesn't really hurt, just feels like you have a golf ball inside of your thigh, because it is injected directly into the muscle. It feels odd but not entirely unpleasant, and while there are a few more risks with this form of estrogen, its so worth the end results.

So overall I am happy about it, to be completely honest.

Blessed Be

Update

Well as it seems, I have not given a proper post in a bit and a lot has happened.

Romantically concerned Ashley is a no go, due to misinterpreted bible verse she has been convinced she is "doing wrong by god" and thus has given up on transition and myself. It sucked, i cried for a few days, but I'm over it and living my life blast it.

As for my violin front, I am getting better slowly as is expected, and I am actually starting to produce a halfway decent sound. My teacher has suggested that instead of doing 1 hour straight per day as my practice, to break it up into two sessions. Due to my skill level there isn't much i can work on in one sitting like a more advanced student would be able to. So I think I am going to change my schedule around, normally I'm up at noon, and then go to classes. What I am going to do instead is wake up an hour earlier, and then practice a half hour before classes. Then once I get home from classes I will relax, loosen up, and practice another half hour. I put in my hour a day, and I don't go mad with the monotony.

So I am happy with the direction that is going, it is taking time, but hey, Rome wasn't built in a day.

As for transition, it is about the same as before, with a few changes. My doctor has finally prescribed me injected estrogen, which just rocks, because it means no more forsaken patches. I plan to get it injected for the first time in my system on tuesday, I look forward to the hormones and not the needle, but still. Other than that I need to find a way to get some more money if only to get my electro paid for, and get some more clothing so I can have a proper wardrobe and go full time or something.

Either way life moves forward, as a Musician, as a Pagan, as a Woman.

Blessed Be

Being sick sucks

Enough said, I think that gets the point across.