Thursday, September 30, 2010

Depressed, and Annoyed About It

These feelings of depression are getting really old, because they contradict what I know, and what is logical to me.

This happens every single Thursday, which is my sight singing class day, we do what normally happens in the class, and every time it just depresses me. I am sick of my voice, videos online don't help worth a damn, and I just need to figure it out myself. So basically I hate my voice along with my body, and it is just not a fun combination, but I know its all stupid.

I mean I feel disgusted with myself, and I feel like I do not deserve the friends I have, my bf, all these people in my life that make me so happy. It is all a product of my hatred of my body which has only gotten worse since I went full time. Now that I am living as the woman that I am I get self-conscious about everything, if my genitalia is ruining how my clothes look, and I KNOW I am not passing because I still get sired at work. Most of the not passing is from my voice, because I suck so very much at it, and it makes me wonder why the hell I got the bright idea of being a music major where my voice matters.


I also still have to tell my dad about me living full time as a woman, well my parents in general, but my dad is the one that will likely go off the deep end. So I am by no means looking forward to it, but it really needs to be done. I mean I can still use the health insurance they are paying for because my name change form will make it at least usable, but still who knows what he wants to do after knowing I'm full time as a woman.