lol, jk, love you Kota.
Just updating on life in general right now, my bf is here and that is wonderful, but that also has a whole list of other issues in my head. I am really happy to have him here, but I am also having some self image issues which is kinda sucking. I am having one of those times where i really REALLY wish I were post-op. Those hanging bits down there are grossing me out in a way I cannot properly explain, and despite being horny as hell, I cannot even contemplate sex right now.
I feel bad though because the bf is stuck pretty much taking care of his own hornyness because I am just never in the mood for sex. And when he makes me feel so wonderful all the time, I wish I could bring myself to return that to some small degree. But I just can't bring myself to do it, and it has nothing to do with him, because I have no issue having sex with him, I have an issue with myself.
Its really stupid too, because this shouldn't bother me because some day I will be post-op, but I just can't do it and I feel really bad. I can't even properly put into words how much I feel disgusted by myself, and if Chris reads this I know he will berate me for downing myself, he is such a sweetheart, I love him so much. He still can love me and make me feel happy despite how much I hate this body I am in, I do not know how he does it. I swear I have gotten lucky and gotten one of those few men in this world who are wonderful, and I don't ever want to lose him.
As for other things, well this month I want to get my name change done so I really legally am the name that I feel I am. It will cost me a pretty penny and take a good month, but it will be worth it, oh so very much.
I guess that is pretty much a lot of what has been going on, might type some more another day on various thoughts. It would be good to keep a better log of all of this online -shrugs- who knows. I'm just going to have to keep trying to live my life as a Musician, as a Pagan, as a Woman.